Reflection of the year.

2017 has been a year filled with a lot of ups and downs for me,
a year that got me into an emotional turbulence for months,
and almost got me suck into deep sadness without really knowing why.
2017 has also been a year where I shed the most tears,
and laughed lesser.

It was a year that started with bad relationships with my colleagues,
unexpected twist with the closest friend,
and being down for many days, thinking what went wrong,
what was wrong with me,
why did things always happen to me,
and being really negative to all the things that have happened.

It was also a year that saw me losing my focus,
my directions in life,
lying in darkness for days, crying without knowing the real reasons,
went to counselling room and church to seek inner peace,
and emotionally drained.
But things happened for a reason,
and it was nice to see that with all the shortcomings,
there were sweetness in it indeed.

I became close to the colleague who once hated me,
and we were now back to our usual relationship.
I started to accept the reality between myself and my friend,
and decided that, moving on has always been the hardest choice,
but can be done as long as I'm determined in it.
I have also started to train myself not to think too much on things that I couldn't control,
and have applied for studies.
All in all, my year has ended with a good note on almost everything.

And now, let's reflect on the resolution that I have made and see how has each progressed.

1. Work hard in my career and always be professional when it comes to work.
= Honestly speaking, my career was met with a lot of pauses this year as I was actually experiencing burn-out from it. I was alone in the beginning of the year, trying to meet expectations and all, and eventually, I wasn't able to give my best to my pupils which was disappointing. 

2. Try to eat healthy and stay fit in whatever means.
= This has not been going on smoothly. I was still indulging in unhealthy snacks and getting fit only lasted for a few days. But the good thing is, I am teaching PJ next year so I have to be fit no matter what. 

3. Prioritise myself over others.
= This was the thing that I failed to do. Instead of prioritising myself, I gave my all to others and eventually, got hurt terribly. I forgot to love myself, and even if I remember, it would only last for a few days before I started to think and wondered what went wrong till I am ignored. 

4. And last but not least, love. Love and appreciate myself more before loving and appreciating others.
= Honestly speaking, I forgot to love and appreciate myself this year. And because of that, I have experienced the worst mood swings and sadness due to expecting love and appreciation from other people.

In conclusion, I am embarrased to say that my resolutions for 2016 have not been achieved. 
It was a year that taught me a lot about myself,
 a year that fully wakes me up about the importance of living the life,
not for others, but for myself,
a year where I frantically search and eventually lost it,
a year where inner peace has been taken away, and I was controlled by emotions all the time,
and also a year to close with a good note that the following year will be a good year.
Therefore, I close this chapter of the year with a hope that next year will be a better one.

Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for the happiness and sadness.
Thank you for the tears of sadness and joy.
And thank you for the lessons.
It has been a twisted year,
and I look forward to another new chapter in life.

Jenny~

28.12

28.12.2017.

4 more days away from 2018,

a new year where people will be reflecting on what they have done in the previous year,

and eventually set up a new goal,

and be a " new me".

Today's post will be about my one month holiday,

where I will be sharing on what I have been doing,

thinking and feeling throughout the holidays.

I spent the first few weeks at home,

being pampered like a princess by my parents,

and have been reading a series of Harry Potter's novels.

And I spent some days at my best friend's place,

where we talked about her upcoming wedding,

and everything in the world that we could come up to.

It was nice knowing that she was still the same person that I knew years ago,

and that both of us were still as crazy but less random compared to last time,

and I enjoyed myself a lot during those few days where we were laughing,

talking, and imagining the next future.

After that, I spent couple more days at my mom's little town,

where everyday, I woke up to the sound of the people selling stuffs downstairs,

sound of the neighbours' roosters,

and watching sunrise and sunset behind my shop house,

as well as looking at the bright stars decorating the whole sky.

It made me forget about my age for a while,

forget about all the issues and concerns that I carried all this while.

Next stop was just a few days back home and then back to my dad's hometown,

and now, finally settling down at my working home.

During the whole month of holidays,

I have been watching a lot of TV especially Singaporean dramas,

and coincidentally, everytime I started to think,

there would be a scene when the actor or actress would enlighten me with their words of advices.

And I would be enlightened,

and told myself to stop overthinking,

and drowning myself in unnecessary sadness and stress.

This holiday has been a good one.

I found that I am anticipating the new year with the workloads,

I am excited with what the new year has in store for me,

and I am still working very hard to block all kinds of overthinking,

especially in relationship,

and just let things happen.

The universe has given me ample of signs to move on,

and I believe it is indeed the time to do so.

My next post will be on my reflections of the things have occured to me throughout 2017,

and whether my resolutions have been achieved for the year. Keep reading!

Jenny~

December

She looked outside,

and stared at the sky,

December is here,

and she starts to ponder.

Amidst all the rain and snow,

could she finally reach where she belongs?

To the familiar places,

or to people whom are strangers,

she longs to know,

but aches to walk on.

Jenny.

At the end of the day

I realised that I didn't update my blog and wrote about, 11.11.
I guess, slowly 11.11 doesn't bring much significance to me except for the online sales,
which I actually bought myself a bundle of lipsticks as a self-reward.

Well, somehow, I started to get used to being back to my own world,
a world where I go out on my own,
less texting and anticipating,
more sleeping and resting.
As I reflected back to the things that I have went through,
all the sadness and frustrations,
I realised that I was the one whose bringing all the negative thoughts to myself.
I realised that I didn't surround myself with happy thoughts,
and has been putting myself into depressing thoughts almost all the time.

When I looked back at all my pictures,
I kept admiring at how beautiful I was in the pictures,
how happy I was smiling in the pictures,
and wondered why am I making myself sad at all time,
when I looked the prettiest when I smiled.

When I talked to people around me,
be it, my friends, colleagues or even strangers,
I kept thinking to myself that I am indeed a good speaker,
and wondered why am I hiding away this potential,
when I looked the most confident when I speak.

When I spent time with my friends and family,
be it, my best friends, colleagues or even my own family members,
I kept thinking to myself, why do I feel most comfortable being surrounded by them?
Is it the relationship that I wanted,
or is it because I just want to find someone to talk to in real life?

At the end of the day,
I realised that, it's never the status of being someone's girlfriend or wife that I seek for,
but for a person who could spent his/her time just for me.
Someone to talk to without having any limitations,
Someone who could make me feel the most comfortable no matter where we are,
Someone who could make my night feels better after a conversation.

And I am thankful to the stranger who entered my dream last night,
who gave me the sense of warmth that I haven't felt for a while.
And as I woke up and the stranger slowly disappeared from my dream,
the same applies to the people in my life.
There will be a point when people slowly walked out of my life,
and it's fine.
Because every ending is always a new beginning to something.

Jenny~

Unknown to her

She stood there,

watching him staring back at her,

with smiles and warmth.

Unknown to her that he is her strength.

She sat there,

beside him, 

watching him speak with warmth,

creating little laughs in between of all the chatters.

Unknown to her that he is her source of happiness.

She walked,

beside him,

watching how he takes care of every step that she took,

creating a sense of security no matter where she took the step.

Unknown to her that he is her security.

She slipped,

and he was there,

always putting his hands out to hold her,

and catching her at the times she felt like she is tumbling.

Unknown to her that he is her net.

She stared,

at him putting his best skills on each and everything,

watching how he made every single moment perfect,

and making her feel that this is it,

Unknown to her that he was the man she has always prayed for.

She thought she wanted him all by himself.

But she knew that he was too good for her.

She took another glimpse at him,

and told her little heart,

to never forget about this man,

who once touched her heart,

broke her bank of tears.

He is the one,

that she could only hold on to in her memory,

but not in real life.

Jenny~

A little trip

Few days ago, I planned a trip with my best friend, her fiance and my friend to KK.
The original plan was to go down the memory lane by re-visiting our old campus,
and spending time together around the places in Sabah.
I was really nervous and excited for this trip,
as I did not see my best friend for a year,
and I was also nervous on how to interact with my friend during that four days.

On the first day, when we touched down at KK,
the weather was terrible.
But I spent a great time with my friends,
as we went eating, talking, walking around and just spending time together.
Sharing and talking bout things that would never stopped making me laugh and smile.
As second day approached, the weather got worst,
and I experienced strong wind and endless downpour throughout the trip.
But like what he told me, "if it rains, then we shall dance in it."

And we did.
We spent a lot of time,
talking, creating new memories and sharing our feelings as well as experiences.
Third day was disappointing as I didn't get to go to Keningau due to the terrible weather.
But it was in the midst of disappointment, arises encouragement and support,
that make me feel less terrible.
And the last day, which was today actually,
I felt a little sad as I did not get to say goodbye to my best friend before she left for her flight,
and having to go in our own separate ways like before.

At the end of the trip,
I learnt a lot about myself and my own feelings.
And I can say that,
I will miss that trip a lot.
The laughter, endless chattering, funny jokes,
the smiles, warmth, laughter,
and most important, the people in this trip.
It was a great time for me,
and I hope that we could do this again next time.

Jenny~

October

Time flies so fast,
and it's finally October.
To be exact, middle of October.

This year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs for me,
a year that is difficult,
a year where I shed the most tears,
a year that I was stuck in the darkest moments,
without anyone to pull me through but myself.

This year was also a year where for the first time,
I felt lost.
Totally lost and not knowing which direction to go to.
A year where everything was tumbling down,
and for the first time, I ended up in a counseling room,
trying to find a solution.

But everything happens for a reason.
A stronger reason to pull me back to my roots.
A reason where despite all the setbacks,
rays of lights enter my life in the most unexpected manners.
Hanging out with my ex-classmates,
telling them and sharing with them,
Re-connecting back with my close colleagues,
and the pursuit of searching myself back has finally begun.

Everyone that meets me tells me the same thing,
not to be stressed out,
to love myself more,
and to talk positive to myself.
Everyone tells me that this is something that I need to go through,
to grow out from it,
and to teach me important lessons.

And yes, I learnt a lot.
And I will share it in my reflection post that I usually will post at the end of the year.
Till then,
let's go through the remaining 2017!

Jenny~

Turning point

Tonight's post is going to be a little different from the usual posts that I have always been writing.
If you do notice, I mostly talk about relationships, friendships as well as at times, my perspectives of life.
But today, I am going to talk about my health.

Few months ago, I discovered a bump under my tongue.
It was a hard bump and I can't see the existence of the bump with a mirror,
but I can always feel it with my finger and tongue.
Since it was painless, I didn't really think about it and treated it as something that's going to temporary.
After almost 5-6 months, I started to feel scared since the bump is still there,
and going through all kinds of articles in the Internet,
it somehow made me thought about it a lot, and I went and see the first doctor.
She told me that it was just a tongue-tie due to excessive talking,
and that, it's something normal.
She prescribed a tube of ointment for me to apply on it,
and she told me it will go away within weeks.

So, I trusted her and do so,
however, it's still there.
And finally, I braced myself to go to a specialist.
She did a thorough checkup and when she told me to immediately to go for CT scan,
I was speechless.
My brain was empty and filled with worries, though I tried to stay positive in front of my parents.
The specialist told me to go for CT scan to confirm whether it's either a cyst or a tumour,
and if it's really one of those two, I have to go through a surgery to remove it,
and further treatments.
We did not wait and immediately head to the hospital to register for a CT scan.
The next day, I got ready to go for it,
got injections and lied down on the bed.

During the procedure, there were a lot of things that went into my mind.
The first thing that crossed my mind was my family,
what if they have bear my medication cost?
Will they have enough money for my sister whose still studying?
And my mom, whose going to be extremely worried if something really bad happened.
The next thing was myself.
I started to realise that there were so many things that I haven't done yet.
I haven't started my Masters,
I haven't started to travel and go out to see the world,
I haven't achieved enough in my life,
and for once, relationships did not cross in my mind.

After the CT scan was over, I waited for the report and headed back to the specialist for the result.
I kept telling myself that whatever it is, it can be cured,
and I should keep myself positive.
The result was out and it was a normal bump,
not a cyst and not a tumour,
and I do not need any treatments or operations.
I was relieved and couldn't stop thanking God for this.

Therefore, to end this post,
with this one moment where my life could have ended in the brink of darkness,
I finally realised that what matters the most to me was never relationship,
it is my family and my own needs.
This is indeed the turning point,
the moment of realisation that I really needed to wake myself up.
Time to move on.

Jenny~

Sick

Sometimes, I wondered where I can find someone like me,
someone who would go all their ways in caring for another person,
someone who would constantly asking me if I am okay if I get sick,
someone who would always trying to find ways to make me feel better,
in terms of food, medicine or just there for me.

I remembered the younger of me who whenever got sick would always wish the same old thing,
to have someone to care for me and to be there for me whenever I needed him,
to have someone to comfort me at my worst,
and I kept telling myself that I would be able to find someone like that soon.
Well, guess what, I didn't.
Instead, I am the silly one who always care for people who got sick,
went all my ways just to comfort them or to make sure they are okay,
texting them constantly, first thing in the morning, wondering if they felt better or not.
Thinking that, doing all this would make them feel touched,
and that I would be treated the same as well.

But guess what again?
It doesn't always happen that way.
Sometimes being nice doesn't always get paid back.
Some people just remembered you when they needed you,
and when they are well, healthy, happy, found someone else, something else,
the good people like me are sidelined.
I told myself to not care,
to stop being so nice to people,
to stop worrying about other people,
because at the end of the day, they will just suck up all the goodness you did,
and left you with the bitterness.

And today, I got sick.
At the moment where I needed comfort, I could turn to no one.
At the moment where I felt the worst, I could tell to no one.
At the moment where I am at my downside, I could show it to no one.
At the end of the day, there's only me to keep myself strong.
Only me

Jenny~

Wedding bells.

The first thing that I do every morning or after work is to log in into my Facebook,

to check up my news feeds and eventually,

news of weddings and engagements started to flood my page.

I remembered how I felt when I saw my seniors, juniors, classmates, batchmates and ex-school mates are getting hitched, one by one.

I remembered how I felt so happy and envious,

and always dreaming to be one of them, one day.

I wasn't desperate, I thought.

But I was actually really desperate.

Desperate to find someone and get married like what I saw in my Facebook,

I wanted to experience how does it feel spending my whole lifetime with the man I love,

and that chooses me to spend the eternity with.

I also wanted to update my Facebook and Instagram with my pre-wedding photos, and make other people envy and shocked seeing it.

Childish, isn't it?

Whatever other people have, I want it.

And that also includes being in a relationship and getting married.

However, those feelings started to diminish,

and I started to feel bitter and helpless when I see more wedding news coming up,

especially when it was my own classmates as well as my best friends.

I started to feel isolated when one by one, my classmates have already found their other half,

when they got engaged,

and when they got married, and I was there to witness it.

I started to blame my fate,

I started to tell myself that it's over,

I would not be able to attain that happiness,

No one is gonna fall in love with me, and no one is going to choose me,

I started telling myself all these negative things,

and felt depressed when things are falling apart in terms of my own relationship.

But this is the turning point that I needed.

I started to go to the places where I used to go with people, on my own.

I started to go back to my old routine,

eating at a cafe or restaurant on my own and just enjoying the feeling.

Setting up goals to go / do things that I used to do with someone, on my own,

and remind myself that,

before him, there was me.

And it is true.

Before someone else could love, you gotta love yourself.

And though at times I forgot all about it,

I am lucky that reminders are everywhere and though unintentional,

it put a reminder there for me.

Though I am still not off the market yet,

it doesn't mean I am not valuable enough to be off.

It takes the right person to see the value in me,

and get me off the market when the timing comes.

To that person, I patiently await for your arrival.

May you arrive at the time when you're ready,

and I'm already at my best.

Jenny.

Rainy days

As she sat next her window,
she looked at the rain droplets,
racing with one another to be the faster one to reach the bottom.

She started to think about how much time has passed her since she entered her new carriage,
to her astonishment,
the smell of the carriage,
the window,
the books,
the cup of latte,
all looks similar to the old carriage that she was in last time.

She smiled at her own foolishness.
There are things that will always remain the same no matter how much you try to leave and start anew.
Why?
They say, memories stay.
They stay around us and will not be forgotten.
Each time she walked to her carriage,
it reminded her of someone.
Each time she sipped her cup of latte,
it reminded her of a conversation.
Each time she picked up a book,
it reminded her of that night.
Each time she leaned next to the window and stared outside,
it reminded her of who she has always been waiting of.

The train might be new,
the journey ahead might be something unpredictable,
but she herself knows,
that regardless of what train she is taking,
or what journey she is embarking,
she would never be able to feel new,
because no matter how she wants to leave those old suitcases and books,
she knows she would turned around and picked it.

She continued to stare at those grey clouds,
and closed her eyes,
"It will pass, someday."

Jenny~

Songs

I remembered reading a short post about how songs can remind us of our feelings.

They say, instead of taking pictures during our vacation or trips,

listen to one particular playlist or song will remind us of the memories created.

I doubted it at first,

but right now, I think it started to take its effect.

I remembered during my post-breakup moments,

I have been playing one song on repeat,

and now, when I listened back to the song,

it reminded me of how broken I was last time.

I remembered in the beginning of the year where I was really down,

where everything starting from my career to my friendship and relationship was off,

I was listening to the ost for a Korean drama repeatedly,

and everytime right now, 

listening back to those songs reminded me of how down I was at that moment,

where everyday, I would wrap myself in a blanket and drowned myself with tears.

And now, I started to avoid from listening to any songs during my bad times,

I dont want to etch a lasting memory of those sadness in a song,

instead I want to create happy memories with the songs that I listened.

Feelings as well as memories are also like songs,

sometimes when we think we have it all forgotten,

one little incident or event or even a song,

will bring back all those memories and feelings to the reality.

And it is really up to us to face it and move on,

or stay in it and drown ourselves.

Yes, it is indeed easier said than done,

but there are times when I am really down,

I would think to myself,

how long do I want to be in this condition?

Looking at how easily one can be gone,

it made me appreciate of my time and life.

And I shouldn't waste it by crying over things that I have no control in.

Stand back up, Jen.

You have ample of time ahead,

and you don't know when will it end.

Be strong, do what you can do now,

and be happy when you still can.

Jenny~

La Vie En Rose

Tonight,
she sat near to her window,
and watched as the clouds started to cover the sky,
and all the stars were engulfed by the dark clouds.

She sat there and pondered,
when she heard someone playing with her ukulele.
And the lady started to sing a song that was so familiar to her.
She started to hum the tune of it,
and wrapped in her blanket,
she started to imagine.

She imagined meeting the man of her dream,
and walking down the aisle with him,
hand in hand with her white gown,
and a bouquet of fresh roses.
She will look amazing,
and while smiling,
she will look up to him,
and will tell him,
that she has never expected this day to finally come.

And on the wedding night,
the same tune will be played,
and that will be their first wedding dance.
As she slowly return back to reality,
she smiled to herself.
Though at times she felt like giving up,
and not wanting to continue to dream anymore,
there is some pieces of her who still hold on to this dream strong.

As the music started to slow down,
she placed her head on the table,
and started to hum again.

"La Vie En Rose"
Jenny.

Wish to skip.

People tell,

People say,

enjoy the current moment,

enjoy the current life,

because we never know where will the next moment will take us.

People tell,

people say,

enjoy the current company,

laugh the most with the people around us now,

because we never know where will they be in the next moment.

People tell, 

People say, 

live life to the fullest,

do what you want right now,

because we never know if we will still be given the same chance in the next moment.

But sometimes,

just sometimes,

I wish I have a fast forward button,

and fast forward this life,

just to see what could be my ending.

Would I be happily engaged or married with a man,

who is also my best friend,

and building up my own family?

Or would I be pursuing a higher level in my career,

and receiving recognition from the people above,

for my accomplishment in whatever I am doing?

Or am I still going to be stuck in this mundane routine,

teaching and going back home,

sitting in front of the laptop like right now,

writing and writing endlessly?

I wish I can see what is written for me in the future,

but knowing that I can't,

I choose to continuosly be patient,

and make the right choices.

Maybe the choices that I make will determine the true path for my future.

Listen,

See,

Choose,

Pray. 

Jenny~

Stop Hiding

Stop hiding.
Sometimes, I hate myself for allowing my feelings overpower my whole thinking.
In these few years,
I have been doing reflections on myself,
my feelings as well as how I am leading my daily life.

I realised that I have allowed my feelings to conquer my thinking almost daily.
I also realised that I became an extreme person,
who takes extreme measures.
My mood swings are terrible where I can be happy and laughing,
and then, sad and crying for no apparent reason.
I think in extreme measures,
whereby it's either I can start building up my imagination of a future with a man who I just met,
or I can already imagine the worse happenings when a person left my side.
There seems to be no "middle" for a person like me.

At times,
I thought to myself,
why do I overthink so much?
What am I so insecure?
Why do i feel a great grief and sadness everytime a person leaves my side?
Why can't I accept that things happen for a reason, and I am the only reason of all these overthinking?
There are times I wish I could just stop thinking,
stop feeling,
and just stop.
There are times I wish I could lock myself up in a room,
where I don't meet with anyone,
and don't get attached.

But at the end of the day,
what has been holding me down is not him or her,
it has always been me.
When I talked to my counselor,
or seek answers from God,
I find that the answers have always been around me.
That I am the one who has been tormenting myself with unrealistic thoughts,
making things so difficult when it has already been difficult.
Always clinging to something that I always say I could let go,
but in the end, I couldn't.
Always trying to rush into things especially relationships,
and then building up unrealistic thoughts and expectations,
when everything was just budding,
and eventually blaming myself when things didn't work out like how I have imagined it to be.

It's difficult being me.
I used to wish that I would be able to meet the one who could accept me in this package,
but I myself couldn't even accept myself,
what more to say if it's someone else?
I always tell myself to change,
to be stronger,
but hiding behind these so-called-stronger-version-of-me while inside, I am hurting and struggling.
Therefore, it's time to accept the fact that I am weak,
that I need help,
and that, it's okay to just cry it out when I need to.
Because no matter how great a storm is,
there will come a day when the sun will come out.

Jenny.

The letter

As she was busy writing in her journal,
a postman came by,
and passed her two letters.
Both were from her most important people.
She opened the first one and was delighted,
that her friend has finally achieved what she had always dreamt of.
Receiving the marriage announcement from her friend,
made her smile and feeling happy to finally witness,
a good event.

She then opened the second letter.
Her hands started to tremble,
tears started to roll down without her noticing,
and she couldn't believe what she has seen.
Another important person to her might be leaving,
and won't be around for a long time.
Suddenly, her heart shattered.
She never know what to expect from this letter,
a disastrous event.

For a while,
she looked outside her window,
clutching both letters tightly,
thinking to herself,
why two most important persons in her life,
are going to leave her alone?
One to pursue her happiness,
and another to walk away in sickness.
She started to bawl and couldn't stop herself from crying.

Until she started to walk towards a small room in the train.
She looked up and kept on telling Him,
to give her strength,
to keep him safe,
to not take away people around her so soon,
and allow her to put all her burden onto Him.

She suddenly felt an inner peace.
She felt lighter.
and she walked back to her carriage.
As she was walking back,
she kept telling herself to be strong.
Everything happens for a reason.
And she can't do anything but to accept it with a strong heart.
She tells herself that she is not the only one whose going through this,
and she will make it at the end of the day.

She wiped away her tears,
and continue to look outside her carriage,
and closed her eyes,
and felt the peace that has been given to her by Him.

Jenny~

Don't

"Don't say sorry,
Don't say you will make it up to me,
It all sounds so familiar,
with the one who said the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.

Don't make me feel happy,
Don't make things that will spark the tiniest hope in me,
It all sounds so familiar,
with the one who did the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.

Don't make me feel important,
Don't make me even feel that I have the slightest position in your life,
It all feels so familiar,
with the one who did the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.

Don't.
Coz right now, I start to,
build walls around me,
and I'm slowly pushing you away."

She placed her pen down,
and stared outside,
outside the cold,
with raindrops fighting with one another to reach the end point.

Jenny~

Like a butterfly

Like a butterfly,
trying to spread my wings up high,

Like a butterfly,
Trapped in a glass of jar.
Trapped in a safe and comfortable place,
but unable to fly out and witness the beauty,
unable to feel the danger and learn to survive on its own,
unable to make own decisions to either fly or stay.

Flying up and down,
trying to find own freedom,
trying to fight against the big glass of jar,
but only could hear the sounds,
sounds of people,
telling it that, it's for its own good.
that the world out there is dangerous,
that staying in the glass jar is safe,
that all it will get from flying out,
is a waste of time, energy and resources.

It could only listen and fight quietly,
it could only listen and follow the order,
waiting for another person to open that jar?
the butterfly has given up all its hopes on that.
It could only hope that one day,
it could fight again and make its way out of the glass jar.
Make its way out into the "dangerous yet beautiful" world out there,
and be itself.
To fly and experience all the experiences it should have experienced in the first place.

Keep the faith, dear butterfly.
You will one day leave this glass of jar,
and fly up high.
Just keep holding on,
dear butterfly,
dear me.

Jenny~

She once told me

She once told me,
to go out and meet people,
mix and mingle until I find the right one.

She once told me,
to find a man whose not only emotionally available but also, financially ready,
and that, I deserve a better life.

She once told me,
to find a man who can pamper with luxuries and the things I want,
and to feel complete with his love and materials.

She once told me,
to never give up,
and continue to pursue in my search.

After she got married,
she told me,
to continuously pray for the right man to appear,
that unexpected course will happen at the most unexpected time.

And she asked me,
3 questions.
And told me to go and search,
for the man that answers that 3 questions.

And I realised,
how foolish am I,
for always giving my time,
putting things in my priority list,
when I was never a priority.

How stuck I am in my fantasy world,
that if I just stay being myself,
someone would come along and accept me as I am.

How stuck I am in my dreamy world,
that unexpected would happen in a blink,
when I was not even doing anything.

And how stuck I am in my own imagination,
that giving all of me,
has never been sufficient to someone who never sees me as a whole.

It's time to change.
It's time to take the lest traveled road.
It's time to pack up and leave.
It's time for the next phase.

Jenny~

At the new train

As she went up to her carriage,
she could smell the freshness of the carriage,
the untouched seat,
and the table which has been wiped clean.
She sat and placed a vase of flowers on her table,
while sorting out her favourite books in front of her.

As she awaits for her carriage to leave,
she saw a couple with a little boy.
They were arguing and could be heard from her carriage,
The wife was accusing the husband for having an affair,
and angrily asked the husband if he has ever cared about the family,
about her son,
and about her.
The husband retaliated,
and asked her if she ever cared about him.

And as she sat back properly at her carriage,
she started to take out her pen and her notebook.
She started to write about her feelings,
and one of it was,
"Humans are the most complex being,
they could love another person like it's their most precious lives,
but they could also hurt another person as much as they love them.
Humans are the most complex being,
they love to find the rarest, prettiest and most gorgeous item in the world,
but fails to appreciate.
When it disappears,
then they will be filled with regrets and remorse,
and wanting to go back to the first place.
Humans."

And she looked outside her window,
thinking of how fortunate she is,
that she is still waiting for the right person,
and not being the one going through the similar thing.
She finally realises that,
everything she is going through has a reason.

Jenny~

Airport

Today, I went to the airport to fetch my sister.
While sitting and waiting for her,
I looked around.
I looked and observed the people in the airport.
Some of them were in pairs,
Some of them were with their families,
Some were with their friends,
and there were also some who came on their own.

Looking at those people,
and looking at their expressions,
make me realise that,
the airport is like a container of feelings.
A container that is filled with different kinds of feelings.
When I was a teenage,
I always envy the people who goes out and travel,
since I thought they would be the happiest when they are able to do so.

But now,
I realised that,
travelling is not always for a happy purpose,
there are people who goes out to heal their wounds.
That's why I was able to see a mixture of feelings in the airport.
Airport is not only the place for the happiest couple,
but it is also the place for the heartbroken.

Jenny~

Lucky

You know how people always tell me how lucky am I?
How lucky of me getting into a primary school and being taught by Filipinos teachers,
that has helped me build a strong foundation in my fluency.
How lucky of me getting into secondary school in Miri and entering the class even though I am the youngest amongst all the students in it because of my year of birth.
How lucky of me of getting good results in PMR even though I only started studying in that school when I was Form 2.
How lucky of me of getting good results in SPM despite my difficulties in comprehending Physics and Additional Mathematics,
and how lucky I am to be able to enter into teaching field despite being rejected from matriculation, JPA scholarship and public universities,

Entering into teaching field was a dream that came true for me,
and I was blessed with the luck of going after my dream.
When I knew where I was going,
I was able to say that I am lucky to  be given the chance to go to Sabah to pursue my dream.
Lucky enough to meet with awesome and sporting lecturers that taught me a lot about life,
lucky to meet with wonderful friends that have been there for me through thick and thin,
and still connecting with them all this while though not as frequent as last time.

After leaving the college,
I was lucky again for being posted to a place that was my home.
Lucky to be in a school with lovely colleagues,
with plenty of opportunities to upgrade myself and to show what I have,
and chances to learn new things.
After all this, I should be grateful, shouldn't I?
I am grateful for the luck that have bestowed on me.
I am indeed thankful for being able to sail smoothly in this one part of life.

But when it comes to relationship,
I find myself out of luck.
I think I have told the story millions of time in my previous posts,
and I thought it might change once I get posted out.
But it seems that it is still the same.
When I thought I was lucky to meet one,
I wasn't.
It still goes back to the same old story.

Just for once, I wish that some of the old luck will spread in my relationship as well.
I wish that someone will look at me,
and say that he has finally found me after all this while.
I wish that someone will pursue me relentlessly,
offering their shoulder and companion to me at all times,
constantly reassuring me that everything will be okay,
and look into my eyes,
telling me not to worry because he will be there to catch me when I fall.
Doing all the things that I have been doing,
and giving back the feelings the I have been giving out,
and finally make me feel wanted
and needed.

Jenny~

On her first journey

After walking to her new platform,
she sat and waited for her train.
As she was waiting,
she thought back about what have happened recently,
and how she had changed,
bit by bit.

She remembered how she would always remember,
remember all the nice things as well as the hurtful things that occur to her,
making herself feel miserable and sad.
And now, she tried to forget things,
and only remember the good ones.

She remembered how she would always go from carriage to carriage,
trying to find leads and information,
that would cause her more pain than happiness.
And now, she stopped herself from doing so by changing platform,
and tried to know lesser and lesser.

She remembered how envious and jealous is she seeing other people,
or hearing people talking about others,
and how she often overthink everything,
and causes things to get even worse.
And now, she stopped herself from feeling jealous,
she feeds herself with good impressions,
and she stopped thinking about how things could or could have not been.

She started to realise that,
expectations are the killing factors in her life,
and when she started to least expect,
she feels the happiest.
And now, she is happy.
Happy with her current life, career and friendship.
Though there are times she does feel down,
but she reminded herself,
that things happen in such a way,
because it has meant to happen in that way.

Jenny~

Changing platforms

Today, she did something that she didn't know she will do for the rest of her journey.
Today, she walked down from her usual train carriage,
carrying her suitcase and her favourite book with a cup of hot latte,
and went to the ticket counter.
Instead of riding the same carriage,
she has finally decided to change platforms.

After buying her new ticket to another new adventure,
she turned back and sat at the old spot,
reminiscing all the memories that she had spent in that platforms,
thinking back about the types of people she met during her journey,
all the laughters and giggles that she had shared in that seat of hers,
all the tears and sighs that she had been through in that seat of hers,
and thinking back of all the lessons she learnt throughout her journey.

That journey of hers has been an exciting one,
with lots of ups and downs,
and she finally decided.
Decided to find another type of journeys,
meeting up with new people,
and reconnect back to herself.

As she was sitting at the bench that she once waited for someone,
her old train carriage started its engine,
ready to continue its journey.
She looked at the train leaving,
and she bid farewell to the seat of hers,
which have kept her accompanied and leaving her with memories,
that she vowed to keep well in her heart.

She stood up,
turned her back,
and head to another new platform.
Sat at a new bench,
and now awaiting for the next train,
for the next journey,
for the next new meeting,
and a fresh start.

Jenny~

Strong

Sometimes when we thought that it's over,
it isn't.
Sometimes when we thought that it's not over,
it has.
All we could do is to stay strong and not overthink.
That's what I told myself over and over again.
It isn't easy to do so but I need to in order to escape from another grip of sadness.
I know the facts and the truth, and yes, I'm still hiding behind the dreams,
but it's time to step in front and face it heads on.
So, note to myself,
it's okay to cry out loud and feel sad for a period of time,
but step out of it when the time comes and continue to be strong and move.
Beautiful things are out there, yet to be discovered.

Jenny~

End of a chapter

"A good chapter has ended for a new one to begin."

Today marks the start of the 1st sem holidays,
and it's a two weeks holidays for both us and our pupils.
But for me, it's going to be a week since I am involved with extra classes.

Today is also considered as a sad day for me,
as my first headmaster has retired.
We celebrated his retirement for two days,
and for that two days,
I could see how sad he was to leave the school,
and all teachers were also sad in the occasion.

I remembered the first day of getting posted to this school,
he was the one who greeted us with smiles.
Seeing him daily in the office,
exchanging small talks and jokes,
will be something that I am going to miss a lot.

He was a great man,
filled with ideas and inspirations to make the school a better place,
not only for the pupils but also for us, the teachers.
He was firm and yet, considerate to all of us.
It was really sad seeing him leave,
but I do believe that he has earned the good rest that he should have now.

To my wonderful headmaster,
you have done a wonderful job,
and all your deeds will be etched in our heart.
Fly Kenyalang Fly,
Fly High, SK Miri Boleh!

Jenny~

Ex.

Today, someone asked me a question.
Is it weird to still be friends with my ex?
For a moment, I went quiet.
And I thought about it.
What will the "past-me" would answer this question?

If this question was asked to me 5 or 4 years back,
I would say yes.
It is indeed weird to still be friends with your ex.
Things have ended and shouldn't you step out from that circle?
And would it be fair to your new partner if you are still in contact with your ex?
Like what Stella says,
bringing your ex into your current life is like there are unresolved things between you two,
and there might be sparks between both of you,
which is unfair to your partner.

But when this question was asked to me right now,
I went neutral.
Yes, it is indeed weird.
Weird as both of us have shared a common feelings with one another,
doing things together and those memories are still there.
So it is indeed weird when we are back to friends with someone we once loved.
But, I don't think it's also fair for me to ask a person to cut off a friend,
even though they are exes.

You can say that I'm not thinking straight,
but everyone has their own principles and choices.
If the one you love is still friends with his/her ex,
don't condemn them.
But try to understand the reason why.
If he or she chooses you,
then work hard to keep the feelings aflame,
because if he/she couldn't move on from their ex,
you wouldn't be their next choice after all.
Just a little sharing of what I think of this question.

Then people would ask me instead,
if I am in the condition, what would I do?
My answer?
If he really loves me,
the choices are in his hands.
To either continue his friendship with his ex,
or to cut it off once and for all.
As for me,
I trust that the person whom chooses me to be a part in his life,
would know what is the best thing to do.

Jenny~

She decided.

Being in the train for quite some time,
recollecting every pieces back,
looking and staring out her window every time it passes a new place,
holding her cup of latte,
and burying herself in a good book,
she slowly fell back to her old self.

The old self that was all by herself,
looking out at the station for familiar faces.
She slowly fell back to her blue feelings,
looking out at the station for familiar feelings that she hasn't felt for some time.
And she slowly fell back into her own place,
the place where she feels the most secure,
her own carriage.

She stopped waiting.
She stopped anticipating for that one familiar face whenever she stopped at a station.
She stopped feeling.
She stopped thinking of any possibilities.
She has decided.
And I guess, that's something that she has to do.
To free herself from the pool of sadness,
To free herself from overthinking of possibilities that would not happen,
and to free herself to look and set a new target.

She has set a new target,
a target far from relationship.
Because she knows she is in control of the new target,
and relationship?
It's time to take a step back and,
travelled the least taken road.

Jenny~

Little things

Little things.
When I was a little girl, I always thought that people in love should do big things to prove their love.
They should always buy their loved ones flowers,
or chocolates and teddy bear,
or buying expensive gifts,
or bring them to expensive restaurants and give them a treat,
just to show their love and caring sides.

As I grew up, I realised that it's not the big things that matter the most.
It's always the little things that warm up our hearts.
Looking back at all the things that I have done,
I realised that I smiles a lot when I thought back of all the little things that I have done,
or people have done for me.
I realised that it's all these little things that build up good memories,
and warms up our hearts to know that,
out there, there are people who love and care for us.

Don't get me wrong about the word "love" here.
I don't mean love as in a couple love, or relationship love.
I mean love in a bigger perspectives.
When my mom makes me my favourite food when I'm back for holidays,
that's love.
When my dad turns on the TV and asks me to watch a movie together with him,
that's love.
When my best friend texted me and talked about random stuffs and laughed at how stupid those topics are, that's love.
When my friend brings me out and we talked from the littlest thing to the reality of life, and randomly do stuffs,
that's love.
Even when my friend offered me his piece of food because mine was too hot to eat,
that's love.
And when God puts me into various types of situations and moments,
I know that's His love to me.
Love comes in a lot of faces and it's not always the romantic ones.
And I am extremely thankful for all the types of loves that I am experiencing.

It's these little things that matter.
Flowers, teddy bears, chocolates, expensive treats and presents,
is no longer a necessity for me.
Time, laughter, caring for one another, and most importantly, listen.
These are now my necessities for love.
And I am thankful to those around me that opened my eyes,
to see and always be grateful that,
I am indeed loved.

Jenny~

Yesterday

Yesterday was a real fine day.

Spent my afternoon with a friend that I haven't met for quite a few days,

or was it weeks?

But it was nice catching up with him again,

went off for a family movie,

and it was really nice except that there are a lot of tear-jerking moments which would be perfect if it wasn't too quiet.

And then, head of to a food carnival at the local park here.

It was several "aawws" moment since this park is so near to my place, 

and yet, it is my very first time coming here.

There were a lot of food stalls around,

but we didn't buy anything,

maybe coz we just don't really feel like queuing up and enjoying all the hypes given to those food.

So we found a spot, 

sat there and talked.

It was even amazing having to seen half of a rainbow right at the place where we sat.

We talked, talked and talked until it started to get dark.

Went off for dinner under the dark night and talked about things happening around us,

and then went off for another movie which was unplanned.

It was a great time hanging out with him.

It helps me to release my stress and tension,

and eventually, break free to become the real me.

And all the movies we watched together were really nice,

and brings me to tears at the endings.

So, it was a great Saturday,

and now, I am more that ever ready for Monday. 

thank you for the time. 

Jenny~

Lesson of the day

I remembered how I always wondered why do my parents always ask me not to talk too much,

especially when it is about relationship or things that are unconfirmed.

And eventually, I learnt a lesson about it.

A friend joked with me about something quite big,

and though, I knew it was actually a joke,

the overthinking side of me got the best of me.

And eventually, from a simple joke, I went ahead and overthink about it.

Got myself carried away with my own emotions,

and the big mouth of mine couldn't control,

but shared it with the closest people around me.

Received dozens of advices,

but I was still adamant that this might be just a joke,

and that, eventually, truth will prevails.

And it did.

It was a joke.

And the consequences of overthinking and eventually sharing it with the closest people around me?

Is by getting hates and dislikes,

when the person who should be blamed was me.

I bet you will scold me as well when you are reading this.

You will say, there she goes again, defending the guilty and blaming herself for everything.

But if you are in my place,

who would you really blame at the first place?

Him who cracked the joke,

or me who took it too seriously and eventually making a big fuss about it without checking properly?

I felt bad,

not only to my close friends but also to him.

Overthinking indeed kills,

it does not kill only our souls and minds,

but it also kills possible friendships and relationships.

I know I couldn't control myself when I am faced with difficult situations.

I know I couldn't stop sharing when I am depressed or feeling difficult.

But all I need, is assurance that things are going to get better at the end of the day.

All I need is your support beside me no matter what times I am going through.

And all I need is your presence telling me that, hey, if you are getting into shits, I will still pull you out.

And not by telling me to just pack my stuffs and go.

I would go when it's time to go.

I might hurt myself over and over again,

but I will go when it's time.

How I wish people would know how difficult it is to just leave.

How I wish people would take my heart and feel what I feel at times.

Therefore, I learnt my lesson.

To be always in silence.

Jenny~

Comfort zone

To those who knows me very well,
I am the type of person who couldn't get out from my comfort zone,
unless I am being pushed out of it.
The thought of getting out from my comfort zone terrifies me.
The thought of being in a new, unfamiliar setting makes me feel uneasy,
And low self esteem.

This applies not only in my career but also in my relationship.
I have a comfort zone in my career,
whereby I am teaching well in my school with the normal routines and workloads,
dealing with the same challenges and obstacles,
that I am used to now.
And when one day, I suddenly realised that it's time to further my studies,
I suddenly feel terrified.
Not terrified by the subjects, assignments and exams,
but terrified of what is coming up next after I graduated.
It's silly to think so far when I have not even taken the first step.
But that's me,
overthinking is something that I do the best.

In terms of my relationship,
after going through 1 failed relationship,
and a lot of mini heartbreaks,
I am terrified and desperate too.
I am terrified of entering into a new relationship with the fear of losing again,
I am desperate for someone to love me like how I love them,
I am terrified of putting any hopes again with the fear of getting disappointed again,
I am desperate for someone to stay at my side and not leaving me behind.
I am terrified of the thought of someone leaving me with the fear of going back into loneliness again,
And I am desperate for the same person to be at my side,
to be in my comfort zone.

After meeting with people,
I realised how silly am I to try to control the unknown.
And how I should have just let everything go with the flow like how I always wanted it to be.
I wouldn't be mature if I dont leave this comfort zone.
I wouldn't be able to see progress if I dont brace myself for what is out there.
And because of that, I'm now mustering all my courage,
to go forward,
alone or accompanied.

Jenny~

My 25th birthday

Today is a special day for me as I am now officially 25.
I remembered how I imagined my life at 25 when I was a small girl,
getting the job I want, meeting the right guy and got married with 2 kids.
But to the younger-me, life at 25 is still amazing even though it didn't work out that way.
I got the job I wanted though it's filled with ups and downs.
I am still out there in search while enjoying my current company,
and I am not married yet with 2 kids,
but let's be optimistic bout it.

This year's celebration is also different compared to the ones I always had.
This year, I started out by watching a beautiful sunset with the best company on my birthday eve,
and had dinner (though it didn't taste as nice as its' name).
And at 5a.m., I went to the top of the hill with the best company to watch sunrise,
and ended up watching it at the wrong side, and missed it.
But I wasn't disappointed because amidst of missing it,
I was constantly accompanied and we talked about almost everything at the top of the hill.
And the best part, is I get to make a wish and blow a candle on a slice of cake right on top of the hill while waiting for the sunrise.
And I have to say it out loud here,
this is what I have always imagined and finally, it came true!

After that, we went on for breakfast and then back home to sleep.
And when I had already planned out the perfect schedule for my wonderful day,
it backfired and I didn't get to do any of the things I planned.
Massage, redeeming my reward at Starbucks, buying myself a pair of pretty shoes, watching Beauty and the Beast all over again,
All these things didn't happen and it was even raining,
I even dropped my ice-cream on the floor and luckily, none of it spilt out.
and somehow, it did make me feel really sad and down.

And at that time, my best company appeared for a rescue,
and brought me out for pizza,
and it was the best meal I had.
My big day is complete,
by ending my 24 and beginning my 25 in a new and fresh start,
getting well wishes from my colleagues, ex-classmates, friends,
and even my ex-pupils as well as my current pupils,
made my day even brighter.
I will keep this as one of the best memories I ever had.
Thanks to the one whom kept me warm at all time, and helping me go through this day with a lot of smiles and laughters.
Thanks to those who sent me wonderful and beautiful wishes, making my day even more wonderful.
And thank you to my ex-pupils and my current pupils for remembering my birthday, and made me feel that I have accomplished more than I have expected.
Thank you. *hugs and kisses*

Jenny~

Salted eggs.

Last Monday, I went to the grocery store to shop for my groceries as usual.
And one of the things that I bought was a packet of salted eggs,
and there were four of them in it.
I brought it to the counter happily, and paid for everything and drove back home.

For dinner, I was excited to cook one of the four salted eggs,
and took one,
cracked it,
and it was spoiled a little bit.
Took the second one,
cracked it,
and it was rotten,
and the smell lingered around me for quite a while.
Took the third one,
cracked it,
and it was edible, though it didn't really look like what I expected.

At that moment, my brain was smart enough to relate what had happened to the salted eggs with my love life.
My love life was like going to the grocery store and buying salted eggs,
something that I never predicted I would be doing and then, it just struck.
Meeting the first man was also like my case with the first salted egg,
Excited to meet someone who was so funny and sweet-talker,
but at the end, spoiled with his sudden-attitude.
But did I give up?
I didn't and continue with the second salted egg, which is the second guy.
And though it looks fine on the shell,
I was actually in a toxic relationship which explains the rotten salted egg.
And the smell of the rotten egg lingers,
like the pain from that relationship,
but it eventually passed away as time goes.

Did I give up?
I thought I would, but I continued to the third salted egg, the third guy.
He was average,
but someone who wasn't meant to be,
but eventually, we maintained a close friendship,
being there for each other when one is in a mess.
Just like the third salted egg,
average and edible,
but still wanting the best.

And on the following day,
I decided to crack the 4th salted egg,
and it turned out perfectly fine.
And from that, I learnt one thing.
It's all about the right timing.
Even if I found the right man,
the one who is similar as me and share the same passion and love with me,
without the right timing, things would not happen.
If I have cracked open the fine egg first, what would happen?
Will I keep cracking the others?

Life is filled with possibilities.
Love is filled with uncertainties.
And that is what makes the process interesting and memorable.
Note to self?
Don't rush into anything,
enjoy the process,
things will fall perfectly when the right timing is here,
like the 4th salted egg,
perfectly cooked.

Jenny~

Not mine

Sometimes, I feel that people around me are lucky.

Lucky because they are living the life that I wanted,

Lucky because they have what I don't have.

I remembered in my previous posts few years back,

I actually envied these people a lot,

and compared my storyline with them.

I compared my love lives with them,

whereby I always blamed my luck of not being able to be in a long term relationship,

not being able to get a boyfriend instantly,

not being able to loved and pampered by a man like others,

and not being able to feel the same treatment like all the other females.

I compared my life with them,

and eventually, I got so carried away and felt depressed.

I felt sad as I wasn't able to have the life that I have always imagined when I was a kid.

To happily get married and have kids at a young age,

to attain success in my career and become someone who is known by others,

and to be able to receive attention and love by everyone around me.

As I continue my process of growing up,

I realised how childish I was, comparing my simple life with others.

How funny it is that I want to live other's lives instead of my own,

and how foolish I am to stay in square one, complaining,

instead of advancing and make an effort to change.

Everything is set for a reason,

everything happens for a reason.

When I looked into my life and reflected,

everything is good.

I might not be popular or as successful as others yet,

but I am happy with my job and the little successes that I am attaining will slowly build up.

I might not be in a relationship right now,

but I am blessed with my family members who are one call away and my friends who are always present in my life,

I might not be married and have kids yet,

but I am patiently waiting for the moment to come.

I am thankful that I didn't rush into anything,

I am lucky that I held myself back from doing regretful actions,

and it is now time to continue this journey,

from square one to square two,

with the strength and companionship,

of the people who stood behind me.

What is not mine, will never be mine,

What is mine, will eventually be mine.

Jenny~

From the past

I believe things happen for a reason,
and people enters my life for a reason as well.
And despite how much I tried to leave the past behind,
there are times that I still looked back.

Looking back at the good times,
as well as the friends that I once had last time,
made me realise that I have not much friends left beside me after I am out in this world.
I realised that the action of totally cutting off from the past isn't the right thing to do,
and therefore, I went back to the past.
Going back to the past to pick up things that I shouldn't have left behind,
and I think I have done it right.

Contacting him back was a wise decision,
especially when I needed a man's advice on things that I have been going through.
And to be able to laugh at all the girly and silly jokes made by him,
made me realise that, sometimes, things from the past isn't made to hurt,
but it is a lesson and there are good things out from it.
With his presence back in my life,
it feels much more merrier,
whereby I know which channel to head to when I just need a good laugh.
He is someone whose like Barney,
the one who always stay at the side and cracking silly jokes,
just to annoy the hell out of me,
and yet, help me to see that this world is not only revolving around the problems I had.

I am lucky that I could still go back to the past,
and pick up things that I should't have left behind.
And, now it's time to keep moving forward,
and enough of being in the same place.
Whatever will be, will be.

Jenny~

Back to series

I remembered when I was back in IPG, I am a drama and movie addict.
Every weekend, I would be strolling outside my friends' room,
and asking for their hard disks and browse through any movies or dramas,
and just simply take from them.
One of the series that was my favourite was HIMYM,
or popularly known as "How I Met Your Mother".

I am pretty sure this series is a blast to everyone,
and I love all the characters in it,
Marshall, Lily, Ted, Robin and Barney.
But I remembered that I stopped watching it when Running Man was hot.
And now, I am finally back to the series again,
and just done with season 7 which I watched halfway years ago.

Watching this series in this age,
makes me think a lot.
All the messages, situations that all the characters are in especially between Ted, Robin and Barney,
made me think a lot about myself.
All the love messages,
and how Ted would always talk about destiny and love,
and how Robin is always there,
makes me think twice about relationship.

I remembered I wanted to be in a relationship like always,
even after the break up,
I still wanted to be in a relationship even though I was afraid of it.
But once I set my eyes on it, I went deep for it,
and eventually, I got hurt.
The main reason why I wanted to be in a relationship so badly,
or wanted a status as a girlfriend,
or having thoughts of getting married and being a wife early,
is because I wanted to cling onto something.
But I forgot the setbacks of clinging to something,
which is the overthinking, suffocation and eventually the hurting process.

But after the talk,
after doing self reflection,
after talking to people around me,
and after making some changes,
I start to feel that things is getting better.
and it will be much more better.

Jenny.

Wedding.

Last night was the most wonderful, amazing and memorable night not to be forgotten.
Last night was my best friend / roommate's wedding reception,
and to be able to see her with the man of her life walking down the hall,
I couldn't stop smiling,
and felt so overwhelmed with her aura of happiness.

To be able to there to witness such a wonderful night,
to be able to meet up with my ex-classmates whom have turned gorgeous as usual,
to be able to laugh and catch up about almost everything,
and to be able to be there with a friend who helped me to taste all the food,
and finished up my portion since I couldn't have seafood,
is indeed a blessing.

To my roommate / best friend,
I do not know if you would read this,
but I just want you to know that,
finally, you have achieved what we have been talking endlessly during our IPG life.
To be able to witness the happiest moment of your life is a wish that comes true for me.
Finally, I am able to say this to you,
you have indeed found your rightful half.
and I wish I would be able to find mine too soon.
Love you always, my soul sister.

Jenny~

Unplanned.

Last night was a memorable night.
Last night reminded me of how random and crazy I was when I was still in IPG.
I still remember when I was in IPG,
and weekends hit up, my best friend and I would do these unplanned events.
We would just go and buy a ticket to KK,
and off we go.
Off to go shopping and just go have fun.

And last night, was also something like that.
Going off on an adventure to another place just to watch a movie,
was something that I seriously imagined in my head,
but not doing it in real life.
And last night, I did it.
Going for a ride to neighbouring country to watch a movie,
was fun and thrilling at one time.

But am lucky to have a friend like him,
who was as crazy and random as myself,
it feels like having my best friend next to me,
doing all these quirky and random things,
and just have fun.
It has been a while that I don't feel so excited,
and happy like last night.

I wish it would happen again,
and I wish that these unplanned good things will keep occuring,
nevertheless with whom it is with.
Because I miss myself laughing,
smiling and feeling excited.

Jenny~

Back to normal

She is now back to square one.

After going through so much,

after fighting with tears,

and pain from overthinking,

as well as self doubts,

she is finally free from that.

She finally sees for herself,

how things was supposed to be at the end of the day.

No matter how she wants to try to conceal the truth,

it is already out there.

And it is time for her to accept and embrace the changes that come.

It was not easy,

to feel cold when she felt warmth,

to feel unwanted when she was once wanted,

to feel ignored when she was paid with attention,

to feel normal when she felt special once upon a time,

and to feel a familiar presence,

which now slowly felt unfamiliar.

She knew from the start,

that this is something that has no good ending,

but what to do?

She fell for it, and then fell deeper,

and received the otherwise.

She thought she was back to normal,

but the truth is she wasn't.

No matter how much she denied it,

she was still hoping.

Hoping that he will turn back and search for her again,

but the truth is he isn't.

And it is time to stop shedding tears for him.

It is time to go back to square one.

Where she is used to having piles of books in front of her,

a hot cup of latte of her very own,

and embrace her own world,

without having to wait for his presence anymore.

It's time to go back loving herself,

and turn to God,

and find joy in Him.

it's time to go back to square one.

and when the train left for the next station,

she stopped looking out the window.

She knows He is working wonders for her,

and she waits patiently.

Jenny~

Smile.

Seeing myself talking endlessly,
Seeing myself filled with smiles,
Seeing myself laughing all the way,
Seeing myself sharing the same funny things,
seeing myself enjoying the company without thinking of the next thing,
Seeing myself talking about other things aside from relationships,
makes me smile.

I guess there is indeed a silver linings behind all those dark clouds.
And may these things stay the same like how it has now turned into.

Jenny~

Depressed

This year has been a very challenging year for me.

Despite it has only been February,

I have been feeling quite depressed and down due to my working environment.

And I believe that this is the first time I would be writing about my working place.

I myself never even thought that work could cause me to be so depressed.

When splits started to appear among myself and my colleagues,

I found that they started to stop working well with me.

Messages are being ignore despite being seen,

Responses are not obtained at all despite pleas for help,

Reasons after reasons are given to avoid from responsibility,

teamwork starts to drop and everything is on my shoulder.

I only have one body, two hands and two legs.

How do you expect me to work everything at one time?

And because of that, I go to school feeling depressed,

and return home feeling even worse.

I always thought that relationship sucks,

but now, working and dealing with people is even worse.

It is really weird,

when one matter has already been settled,

another will arise.

Like an endless cycle.

I always tell myself to just go to school and smile,

and do whatever is being told,

but once I reached school,

I feel depressed.

and this actually affects my performance in classes as well,

where the pupils' presence and their attitudes are not helping at all.

I started to feel burned out in this career,

I started to feel demotivated,

and worst of all, I started to lose interest in a career that I once loved so much.

With endless piles of workloads,

and no one to share my burdens and stress,

life is really getting more difficult.

Lord, lead my way. 

Jenny~

After the talk

After the talk.

I always imagined,

how someone would react after having the talk.

Do they start to avoid one another after it?

Do they start to feel awkward with one another after it?

Do they feel sad when seeing the person but couldn't have him/her in their lives?

After going through my very first talk,

my reaction?

I stayed the same.

I still text and care,

and slowly I'm letting go the burden of having this feeling.

The burden that limits me from showing what I've got,

The burden that I should do things to attract his attention on me,

and the burden that I should try my utmost best to make him feel the same way to me too.

After slowly letting go,

I realised that we are better in this situation,

where I could talk comfortably like last time,

where I am not scared being judged by how I act,

and where I have someone that I can tell my problems and worries to.

I am glad that we did have the talk.

It helps me to take a step back,

and look at myself,

and back to being the person I used to be,

the person that I will love even if no one does.

Thank you.

Jenny~

The talk

The talk. 
Everyone knows about "the talk".
There are people who anticipates it,
and there are also people who don't.

The talk can sometimes end in a new and happy beginning.
But the talk can also sometimes end in a finished and unhappy ending.
I myself have went through the talk for almost 4 times.
3 times that weren't carried out,
and last night was the 4th time.

But the 4th time felt different.
I still remember the 1st talk that I had was a harsh one,
whereby he told me how he dislikes when his friends saw us together and labelled us.
And how after the talk, he turned his back against me and went totally cold to me,
as if I was a desperate stranger trying to get him.

The 2nd talk was with my ex.
I still remember how he asked for a break up telling me that it was not my fault,
and how he told me he was the person to be blamed.
And yes, it ended with me foolishly clinging on to him, and him leaving me in the worst way ever.

The 3rd talk was not a direct talk,
but from the way I got treated.
From feeling warm to feeling cold,
from being always accompanied to feeling left out everytime.
And it ended in me being angry with him and deleted him from my life,
before I decided to talk back to him again.

And last night was the 4th time.
This time with a precious friend that I appreciate his presence so much in my life,
He was the one who came to me when I was struggling with loneliness and depressed moments.
He was like the light that brightens up my day and night,
someone I know who is there when I needed to text.
And last night, when he told me that he wasn't ready for it,
my heart did ache but knowing that the reason was not because of a third party but because of his own depression and loneliness,
my heart yearns to help him.
I want to be the light that he used to be when I was in my worst state.
And I want to walk him out from the darkness,
like what he did to me.

Everything happens for a reason.
At least this had made me pray even much harder than before,
and I get even closer to God,
whom I felt like I have been leaving behind these days.
I guess this is the way God wants me to be closer to Him,
by giving me so much obstacles to overcome,
and by letting me know that without Him, I am nothing.
And I do regret,
for not realising how far I am from Him.

Thank you, Lord.
You make all things happen for a reason.
and now, I am coming back to Your home.

Jenny~

Always

For the good and bad,
I'm always here.
For the best and worst moments,
I'm always here too.
For the beautiful days,
I'm here,
For the darkest days,
I'm here too.
Just reach out,
and I would be here,
always.

Jenny~

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day.
A day celebrated by all couples as well as husbands and wives all around the world.
A day where chocolates and roses are exchanged with one another,
A day where love confessions are everywhere,
A day where singles becomes attached,
and also a day where everywhere is filled love.

Being single for the 5th year somehow kills me a lot inside when it's Valentine's Day.
And coming down with bad cough and sore throat,
somehow makes things even worse.
Feeling all alone,
with no one to call or text,
stranded underneath my blankets and my pillow,
tears just rolled down like in every single Valentine's Day.
But it felt much better in that way.
Letting out all the emotions in me through tears feels much better.

Therefore, to all the couples as well as husbands and wives,
appreciate one another because there are people like me that isn't that lucky to reach that level yet,
to all the singles out there,
stay strong and keep praying.
He will listen.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Jenny.

Comfortable

Last night, 

she went down from her usual train carriage.

As she was walking down the station,

she saw a familiar man.

And it was him, all well and healthy now.

She smiled and he smiled back too.

They went off for a dinner where she met his closest people.

They had fun, talked and played together.

For the first time,

she felt like she belonged somewhere.

She was happy.

Very happy.

But despite all that, she also felt sad.

Because the happier the memory is, the more difficult it is for her when everything is gone.

She missed the laughter, the smiles and the warm feelings.

She missed how they would stare at each other and talk.

she missed all of it now,

and wish she could stay longer and cherish those memories even more.

Beautiful memories are created indeed, 

and she closed her eyes to remember all these memories.

and her little heart whispered to her,

you have indeed fallen.

Jenny~

Missing a part

Who knew that there comes a day like this.
Where I would once again miss someone's presence in my life.
February is never really a good month for me.
With Chinese Valentine's Day tomorrow, and Valentine's Day next Tuesday,
it became a season of emo-ness and sadness to myself.

Sometimes, we plan without knowing,
We create an illusion,
a very happy one, thinking that it will happen like how we imagine it to be.
I am one of those people.
I imagined that I would go out for a wonderful dinner,
spending time laughing and creating special memories on these days,
and finally, feel celebrated.
I imagined that my workplace would be a place I would anticipate to come everyday,
being with people that I can share everything after each class,
and finally, feel belonged to a place.

But reality kicks in,
all these shatters when replies are not received,
not getting clear messages,
being hated for no apparent reason,
losing someone that I can share almost everything,
and someone who works so well with me.
I thought I would be fine,
but I wasn't.

I am missing a part in me again.
I finally understand the feeling of missing someone or something.
It is not merely wanting to keep texting or finding that person,
It is wanting to see their smiles again,
seeing them talk and eat in front of you,
feel their touch against you,
and hearing those words of advices as well as silly remarks from them.

I miss that.
I really do.

Jenny~

This feeling

This feeling is something that she have never felt for a long time.
A sense of longing.
A sense of wanting to see the person especially when that person is in his weakest form,
A sense of wanting to do everything for the person just to see him gets back to his usual form,
A sense of wanting to be at his side during his worse times,
and kept him accompanied.

But a wall is there,
and she just couldn't get over it,
she wants,
but she couldn't.
She is worried for him,
worried if he has eaten,
worried if he is still in pain,
worried if his condition worsens,
and this is the feeling that she has not felt for quite some time.

Seeing him able to talk like how he usually is brightens her day,
Seeing him able to finish a small bowl makes her feel better,
All she wants is him to recover,
for the first time, she kept telling God,
to make him healthy and strong,
and she doesn't want anymore than that,
but only for him to be free from those pains.

Please get well.
Jenny~

As the wind blows,

Today, she sat next to her carriage.
She had the opportunity to feel the breeze across her face for the day.
She was happy for the whole time she was in the carriage,
happy that her family members joined her journey for the day,
happy that she had been receiving letters from him almost daily.

But she knew this day would come,
despite how happy she is, there would be a day that she is bound to feel different.
And today, as she is getting along with her piles of workloads,
she received another letter from him.
He told her about his new acquaintances and how they will be working with him,
When she read about it,
there was something that bothers her.

She suddenly felt different,
as if she couldn't accept this new change,
as if this change would threaten the relationship that she has with him.
She felt unsafe,
but she kept quiet.
She replied his letter with a casual tone,
trying to sound as supportive as possible,
but she herself knows her own feelings.

As she sees the postman taking and delivering her letter,
she only has one wish.
She wishes that things would stay the same.
That things wouldn't change.
Even though she knows she should be ready to embrace any kinds of disappointments,
she still wishes she wouldn't have to go through it again.
As the wind blows,
she closes her eyes,
and breathes deeply.

Jenny~

Insecurity

tInsecurity.
The feeling of being unsafe,
anxious that something bad will happen based on what we imagined,
the feeling that holds back almost everything,
and the feeling that destroys almost everything that has been built.

Insecurity.
I wondered to myself,
since when do I feel so insecure on myself?
I remember being insecure about how I look,
how I present myself in the public,
how people look or perceive me as,
and this includes my friends, family and the people I love.

But these days,
insecurity has once again hold me back from things I love dearly.
It has once again make myself doubt,
not on other people,
but to myself.
It has once again ignited fires of jealousy,
that I shouldn't feel at all.
And it has once again showed my weakest point,
that I wanted to conceal from people.

Being insecure is something that I wish I could get rid of it,
not as a whole,
but partly or a little of it from myself.
I hate myself when I am insecure,
I start to ask questions,
or say things that I know will hurt me back instead.
I start to think of all the bad things that will happen,
and eventually, feels that it will happen after all.
I hate myself for all this insecurity.
And when it happens,
I just need a word of assurance.
That no matter how insecure I am,
how I feel like a piece of paper that would tear one day,
that you will be right there, 
ready to piece me back up again.

Jenny~