31.December.2015

Without knowing it, today is the last day of 2015.
Time really do passes fast,
and without knowing it, I have been a teacher for almost a year.
It just felt as if I have just finished my studies instead of working.
And as usual, I will share with all what I have learnt from all the experiences that I have gained during this whole year.

1. Patience and prayers.
I believe in the power of prayers. And from continuous prayers, we would be able to achieve what we prayed for. If we didnt achieve it, it means there would be something even greater that will be given to us by God. And one of my wish came true: getting posted in Miri. 

2. Loneliness became a part of me.
Yes, getting posted in Miri was one of the wonderful things that happen to me. Not only am I near to my family but also being in a familiar place makes this happy girl even happier. But loneliness always there. Looking back at the whole year, I have been alone, doing things alone, shopping alone, eating alone and driving alone. People do ask me out but at late nights which is not my favourite time. But slowly, loneliness became a part of me. I started to get used to it and stopped complaining about it. I guess I have learnt to embrace it and fully make use of it.

3. Love.
Yes. Love. No. I dont have anyone to love yet. And I stopped asking for one which I believe I shouldn't do. I started to lose hope and stopped wishing for one. I became very tasteless when it comes to love. They say love come unexpected. So, I stopped expecting and let it comes to me when the time is near.

4. Always learn.
Yes. Being a teacher is so challenging but so fun! I learnt a lot not only from the process itself but from the kids as well. And the output was so satisfying that I yearn more of it. And this is something that I wish to continue doing in the following year.

And last but not least, I wanna say thank you to all who made my 2015 a wonderful year. I wanna say sorry too if I have ever hurt or might not realised that I did something wrong to all who I came across in this year. 

New resolutions for next year will be out soon as well as checking through 2015 resolutions! Have fun people! Happy New Year 2016.

xoxo
Jenny~

Holidays

Finally, holidays.
Have been spending the first week of my holidays at home,
and unlike any others,
I spent it laying sick on my bed.
Reached home and combo sickness came.
And thank God, 70% healed after a week of resting filled with explosive moods here and there.

To those whose travelling, be safe.
I would really love to travel but I prefer to travel with my parents' blessings,
instead of having to go through mountains of arguments just to travel.
To those whose doing some part time jobs, get some time for yourself.
I would really love to do part time jobs but seriously, I need a break to prepare myself for a more challenging year ahead.
And to those whose getting engaged and married by the end of the year, may God bless all of you with love and happiness!
I would really love to shock ppl with announcing good news to everyone, but I dont have one to do so.
Heck, I dont even have a guy to shock people with! 
But, things will turn better.
Who knows what is kept in 2016 right?
So, I shall wait in patience and meanwhile, enjoy being single.

Hence, happy holidays to everyone.
No matter what you are doing or where you are going, be safe and make it an everlasting memory!

Jenny~

Fat

Earning your own money always comes with pros and cons,
the pros are, well, you earn money,
so it means, you are free to use ur money for whatever wants and needs you have in your mind,
you dont have to hear endless grumblings,
and basically you can get whatever you want with you hard-earned money.

The cons are, with all that money, I tend to splurge on food.
And of course, that causes me to gain weight.
Of course not tremendously, but i can see the numbers keep increasing,
and now, it is already beginning with 6.
I mean, I know I gained weight and I know I am fat already,
But i don't need people around me to keep reminding me how fat I am or how big my ass is or whatosever,
and when this statements come especially from people whose so close to me including my family members,
it hurts.

I know I am fat,
but that doesnt give u the privilege to keep reminding me about it.
I dislike it when people scroll on my pictures and start saying that I am fat or gained weight,
I dont need negative statements to make my whole day down,
and i definitely do not need you to judge me.
It is depressing when people expect me to be in this form and that form,
When people say I am fat, I tried cutting it down,
and then people say when I am thin, I dont look too nice,
And so, I gained. and then you say I am fat.
What the heck you think I am?
A balloon for you to form shapes?

No wonder there are so many anorexics people out there,
they are like me, being insecure with how we look in front of the society,
worrying that we are ugly and fat in people's including our loved ones,
and because of that, people start to binge eating or directly stop eating.
Do you really want to see me stop eating and get that "perfect" weight or body shape that you want me to have and then start criticising me again after I get that? 
I am trying my best to look the best,
but if being the best kills me, i rather not be the best.
Therefore, this serves a reminder to all those out there whose job is to judge people including me,

If how my body shape affects on how you think of me or look at me,
then please move on.
This is my body and like it or not, I am the one who could control how my body looks.
I dont need your distasteful comment in my life.

Jenny~

11.11

11.11
A beautiful date.
And a beautiful celebration.
I just knew a year ago that 11.11 is actually a day for the singles out there and just celebrate their status as singles.
And it also allows them to go out and meet more new people.
But since its a rainy day tonite, I don't get to celebrate much about my status.

Being single for quite some times has changed me a bit here and there.
I guessed this is something that can't be helped though.
Riding a train all alone for several years does make a person change.
From longing for something into turning backs from it.
From being desperate for someone into avoiding from it.
From wishing and wanting into pushing and giving up.

I guessed I need more love songs in my playlist,
or more love dramas in my hard disks,
or maybe shows that can make me have this fluttery feelings again,
But for the meantime, sitting alone beside the window in a fast moving train,
doesn't feel so lonely anymore.
I guessed I am now used to it.

Jenny~

For you.

You have done this, therefore, this is for you.
Yesterday was a special day,
a day where a pig turned 25!
Hahahahahaha..
Here goes the belated dedication from me to you.

Happy belated birthday, pig friend!
You are indeed a really good friend of mine though you are seriously difficult to be handled with,
and sometimes kept me wondering, how your partner would ever be able to stand you after marriage?
But he will get used to it, like me! hahaha...
Though we didn't get to celebrate it together this year,
but am pretty sure you would have celebrated it with happiness this year with your loved one.
And if you are happy, so am I!

I am thankful that all my prayers were answered, 
and that you indeed found someone whom I believed is the right one.
And yes, though I do envy you, but I am happier that finally, someone else can take over my job! (P.S. bayar gaji!)
But no matter what, I am always here physically, emotionally and not financially..
Thank you being such a patient friend with me though you aren't really patient especially when it is my mood swings moment,
and thanks for also being there for me especially when I start to blabber about my single life and stuffs..
I wish you more love from everyone around you,
more happiness in whatever you are doing,
more success in your career,
and more blessings in your life!
Happy belated birthday, bestie aka ah ma kong (this will be used until we get old together! hahahahahah)

Pictures!

2010! P.S. We have started to selfie even without front cameras and smartphone! 

2011! We had our matching pink outfits and I miss this body shape! hahahahaha... P.S. I will never forget your acting that night!

The failed surprise! P.S. Do you still remember where was the cake? Hahahahaha.... 

2013! The time where we celebrated your birthday covered with smoke and sweat! Hahahaha...

2014! The time we had our sexy sides revealed! P.S. Remember how you screamed after getting flowers?

2015!! The time we climbed to the top and took several minutes trying to get the perfect selfie with both looking not fat and pretty! Remember whose feet got stepped? hahahahahaha....

2015! The most memorable moment filled with crazy, random and tired memories!

Let's continue this friendship and get ourselves a champagne when we reached the 10th year! =D

Jenny~

Perfect

Sometimes, I wish I am not in this manner.
Sometimes, I wish I would chase after less perfection,
Go for low-profile,
Go for unpopularity.
I wish I could be someone who wouldn't be intimidated by others,
and would stop striving for the best in everything.
I wish I am talented too,
so I am able to do everything that I wanted.
But I am not.

Seeing how the Year 6 pupils were being trained to give such an awesome performance makes me felt, intimidated. stressed. pressured. envy.
I wanted to do the same thing as well.
I wanted my next yer Year 6 to do performances that leave people in awe.
But seeing this year's performances, I felt intimidated.
I am worried,
what if I can't do something like this year?
What if everything will turn disappointing?

People say, dont think too much.
People say, leave it to the future to decide.
People say, just do your best and everything will be ok.
People say, dont be a perfectionist because nothing is perfect.

Yes, I know.
But thinking too much is what drives me to create things that I want to showcase to people.
Yes, I know.
But if I leave it to the future, what am I gonna do in the present?
Yes, I know.
But doing the best would never be okay.
And yes, I know.
But I can't help to be a perfectionist because if I don't, who will be?

Jenny~

She.

Riding on the train carriage,
Sipping through her favourite cup of tea,
Reading her favourite book,
Watching the scenery that passes by,
Going through every bumps and ups and downs in the journey.

She felt free.
No one to tie her down with commitment.
She felt happy.
No one to make her feel anxious or getting mood swings.
She felt light.
No one to make her tied in one position and free to go anywhere.

But sometimes,
she is like us,
like you too.
She wants to feel how it is being committed with someone,
She also wants to feel anxious and get those roller-coasters feelings once in a while,
and she also wants to be tied in one position once in a while with someone.

Sometimes,
we thought that she is good being left alone,
but the truth is,
she too needs someone to rely on.
And it is never easy to do so.
I guess she fears of handing out her heart again.
I guess she is still broken inside.
And I guess she is like us too,
at the end of the day,
she wants to be loved.
To be different.

Jenny~

Imperfect

I am an imperfect human being,
who does mistakes here and there.
I am not a perfect human being who never done any mistakes before.
In my life, job, and relationship.
Mistakes always occur.

But I am thankful.
Thankful that all these mistakes remind me that,
I am a weak person who always struggles to be a strong person.
In life, I am thankful with the mistakes I have done.
Through those mistakes, I have changed and remembered of not repeating the same mistakes again.

In my job as a teacher, my mistakes are magnified.
All eyes are on me and my mistakes.
But no eyes are on me and my glory.
But I still go through with it,
knowing that I have chose this path of life.
And all I could do is to remind myself never to do such mistakes anymore.
Reminding myself that no one will understand that it was only a mistake,
instead they will only put the blame on us.

In relationship, my mistakes remind me of my worth.
That it is not worth to do the same mistakes again.
And I should never repeat the mistakes again,
instead learn from it,
get up from it,
and walk off from it.

So that's it.
I have done a mistake.
I learnt from it.
I remember it.
And it's time to go on with my journey.
After all, I am only an imperfect human being.

Jenny~

Camping!

Spent my weekends on a school camping,
and totally no regrets!
Despite the sudden bad weathers as well as some pupils' actions,
I had a lot of fun with the awesome teachers and pupils too..

From the camp, I learnt a lot of new things,
and I experienced a lot of new feelings again.
Drove myself to the camping resort which is seriously something I felt proud of.
Just by depending on a google map which I browsed 2 minutes before I started my journey as well as trusting my instincts,
made ma felt like what I have dreamt all this while,
Being independent.

Reaching there and saw the camping site which a traditional Iban longhouse was a shocking experience,
But it totally reminds me of my village back in Roban,
and I missed my childhood.
And activities as well as spending time with the teachers whom have so much to talk about made me felt that,
no matter how frequent we felt lonely,
there will always be people around you who will still cheer you up.

The night where we did night walk or better known as "burung pungguk" was the best part,
I didnt know I could scared kids out of their wits,
and that shows how "creative" I could be sometimes.. 
And the feelings where kids held onto my hands and not letting go made me felt that,
teachers are indeed superheroes to the kids.

I am thankful that despite a few minor accidents whereby I fell (as usual) and got bitten by ants (as usual),
but everything went well.
No hysteria cases and everything went well.
I had fun and this is one of the most memorable camp with my awesome teachers and kids.
More to come!

Jenny~

Little.

The perks of being a teacher?
To have the power to create something out of nothing.

When I got my posting in Miri, I aimed for one goal.
Glory.
And because of that, i work towards that.
And I started to make little changes starting from the classes that I taught.
I felt that in order for people to recognise my accomplishments, I must do something that they can clearly see.
And thus, I started small.
By teaching and nagging my pupils about the need to greet with high enthusiasm while bowing down as a sign of respect,
By telling them to speak nicely to teachers and even resort to threatening them that if I heard any complaints, they will surely get punished.
By preparing my kids whom will perform in front of everyone,
By ensuring that whatever I learnt from other schools, I will try to be innovative and re-create it in my school.
And last but not least, ensuring that the teachers will see that their kids are as talented like all the other kids out there.
All you need is time, perseverance and commitment.

Kids might think that all this are just for my own intention of achieving glory,
but slowly, they too can see the changes happening in them.
How enthusiastic they are in the class,
How they got labelled from the worse class into a better one now,
and how the teachers paid attention to my worst class during their first-time performance in English.
As well as how teachers gave their compliments and applause after their performance.
That's the reward.

As for me?
Teachers found that I am special in my own ways.
Teachers complimented on the ways I taught my pupils to respect.
Teacher saw my creativity and my hard works in preparing kids in whatever I have planned for them.
And there is this sense of satisfaction when all the hard works I did behind the scenes get noticed and complimented.
And this drives my motivation to plant more seeds of changes in my school.
And all this thanks to my model teachers and lecturers, Mrs. Sharuliza, Mr. Charlton, Mr. John and Mdm. Vasanthi whom taught me that to create a great thing, we need to start slow and steady.

And because of that, 
I will continue strive for greater things that I have in mind.
Let's do this!

Jenny~

Hello October.

September has finally ended,
and here we go with October..
Updates!

Exams are around the corner,
Getting prepped up with preparing kids for the year end performance,
Had a lot of ideas,
but putting it into action requires a lot of time and hard work.
Online stuffs, deadlines and ever-changing policies here and there are making career life a little difficult,
but there is always an end about it though.
Just gotta grab a tub of ice-cream and complete all those online stuffs!

Life?
Nothing much.
Still prefer staying inside,
Not getting out is the best solution.
Typically avoid any talks or discussions on love and relationship.
Basically, am out of it.

I guess, that's it.
Nothing much happened.
Just normal routines,
day in and day out.

Jenny~

that feeling

Do you know that feeling?
The feeling where it seems you know that stranger,
or you've seen him before somewhere.
The feeling of warmth when you first meet the person,
even though both of you are total strangers.

I felt it today,
for the first time after so long.
Was driving and right at that time, saw this man.
It's as if I have met him somewhere.
Even though it was just a really brief moment,
but it felt familiar.

Maybe it's just me whose being over sensitive.
Or maybe we do meet before.
I wonder.

Jenny~

Weekend

Weekends.
The time where everyone would be snuggling in their comfy blankets and beds.
The time where everyone could indulge in what they were planning to do.
The time where everyone is out at shopping malls, cinemas and restaurants.
The time where all the couples are out there showing their utmost affection.
The time where everyone rest.

Weekends. 
Everyone anticipates it.
Including me.
The time where I thought I would sleep till noon.
The time where I thought I would be able to rest well and ignore whatever is happening around me.
The time where I too would be mingling in shopping malls, cinemas and restaurants.
The time where I would be truly happy.
The time where I would not want the weekend to end.

But, things do not happen as we imagined.
I still wake up early at 6am in the weekends.
I still think about the things that happen around me.
I dread of going to shopping malls, cinemas and restaurants.
I am totally bored.
And I wish that weekend ends early.

I guess the main reason is,
spending the weekend all alone without your friends and family around you,
seriously makes you wish that the weekend is over by the next day.
Sigh.

Jenny~

Dates.

Dates.

Dates are numbers.

Could be significant and insignificant,

both for a reason.

Dates remind us of life events.

Birthdays,

Anniversaries,

Happy memories,

Our "first-time".

Dates also reminds us of a part that we wish not to remember.

Break-ups.

Sad moments,

Our "previously-we."

But trust me,

slowly.

Those dates will be forgotten.

And that basically tells you that,

you are now,

healed.

Jenny~

Two nights ago

Two nights ago.
Someone came to her place,
offering words and warmth.
She was surprised with the warmth from this unknown identity.
She enjoyed the feelings.
For two nights,
for the first time, she was a glimpse of hope.
A glimpse of being finally attached to someone.
A glimpse of finally being cared about more than anyone else.

She had fun talking to this man.
She had fun being embraced and treated like a queen.
She was enjoying herself until when the train came to a stop,
she nearly went down the train with this unknown man,
when suddenly she realised.
It was all just a dream.
The warmth,
the embrace,
the care,
the feelings.
All were just merely a dream,
that popped when she was heading to the stop.

Is she disappointed?
She isn't.
She knew all this while that it is just a dream.
She just couldn't bring herselt to admit it.
It was something she yearn for but couldn't make a step towards it.
But she does miss it.
And she hoped the next time will be a true one.
The one that will stick to her for a long time.
The one that even if she has reached a stop, it will continue to linger around her and make her truly blessed,
that she has finally reach the destination with the one.

Jenny~

Today

Today, she was sitting at her seat as usual.
Doing her own favourite things,
when suddenly she saw a little girl.
The little girl was crying when her friends were teasing her of how bad she plays the game.
At that moment.
Something struck her.

Somehow she felt as if she was looking at herself.
As if it was a mirror.
Reflecting herself in the past.
How vulnerable was she to criticisms.
How desperate was she for the limelight.
How struggling was she trying to be recognized.
How painful it is for her to reveal her strengths and then pushed down to the second place.
And how heartbreaking it is when she once imagined how beautiful are people, and now they became some sort of monsters waiting to just gobble her up.

Everyone thinks its fun to joke around and tease people at their weakest point.
But do they know how great the impact could affect the little girl?
How does all those let-downs and pushed-aside will create the little girl into?
All she could do at her seat is to hope,
Hope that the little girl will get up on her feet.
Show the world what she got.
Make those who once looked down on her to be under their knees.
Make those who pushed her aside to regret on their decisions.
And make those who left her once, to continue look upon her and yet could never touch her.
And never.
Never.
Show her weakest point to anyone ever again.

And she told herself.
No one can see her at her weakest moments.
And no one is allowed to make her feel that way anymore.
No one ever again.
Jenny~

She wonders.

Going through all the greens,
Watching the different people walking pass her,
Going through the different views from her windows,
Watching how the things around her changes,
makes her wonder.

Meeting with people whom she had not met for such a long time.
Talking and sharing about the past experiences that seems so yesterday.
Laughing at the most wonderful and stupid memories.
And missing the wonderful moments that she wished to re-live it again.
It really makes her wonder.

But after everyone left, and she continued her journey.
She took out her well kept diary,
and started writing what she wonders.
She wonders how grown up is she.
She wonders how much she had changed.
She wonders how much the people around her change.
And most important, how much her perspectives and her point of views have changed..

But after all, this journey taught her a lot..
And she is still learning from this journey.
And the smile from her while looking out her window is something that she is proud of.
Despite being alone in the journey, she is still smiling.
What she really feels inside, only she knows.
But what I know, she is still sitting in that carriage with her favourite cup of hot chocolates and books, smiling and awaiting for another person to talk to.

Jenny~

So, I took a test.

So, I took a test.
An online personality test.
Well, to those who really really knows me,
I am both a game addict as well as a quiz addict..
I love knowing more about myself,
Knowing why I act in such ways,
Knowing how I would act in different situations.
It's fun exploring own mysteries before exploring other people's mysteries.

So I took the widely famous test which is a personality test constructed by Jung and Briggs Myer..
You can easily find the test online and try it out yourself!
I stumbled on to it and decided to give it a try,
and I am official a Miss EFNJ.
(... excuse me?)
It's gonna be super long if I am gonna post the whole report in my blog.
So, you can just type it out and wa-laaaaa, there is my personality right there..
But the one that caught my attention in which I would really want everyone to know is this:

My strengths:
1. Tolerant.
2. Reliable
3. Charismatic (meh....)
4. Altruistic
5. Natural leaders (right ... )
6. Super faithful in relationships.
7. Gives all in a relationship (I am actually promoting myself here.. hahahaha...)

Weaknesses:
1. Overly idealistic
2. Too Selfless
3. Too Sensitive (ooopppssss)
4. Fluctuating self esteem (yeap.)
5. Struggle to make tough decisions (marry or not marry? hahahahaha...)
6. Tends to over-give in a relationship and forgot to practice taking
7. Tends to avoid conflicts and actually either let it to simmer down or avoid it (which is not healthy. #takingnote)

Conclusion: I am a physically and mentally healthy person with lots of imperfections to be fixed. And I am a person who needs the missing piece to complete me as well as completing him. Hope this helps all you awesome readers know something about me though! =D

Jenny~

The journey.

While sitting with her cup of coffee,
and with her favourite book,
people thought she was pre-occupied with the things around her.
People see her as someone who should not be disturbed.
People thinks she is strong.
And some people wonders,
isn't she lonely?
Sitting all alone at the carriage for a while,
not having someone to talk to,
not having someone to laugh about,
and not having someone to share.


But do you know what is she feeling?
A cup of coffee will turn cold.
A favourite book will eventually reach the final chapter.
She isn't occupied, she looks like she is.
She isn't strong, she looks like one.
She isn't lonely, she is alone.
Sitting all alone at the carriage for a while,
unable to talk to anyone,
unable to laugh with someone,
and unable to share what she wish to.
How does that feels?

People comes and walked pass her carriage.
She could only stare.
Why don't she get up from her carriage and walk around?
She couldn't. 
She was afraid at the end of the whole train carriage, she has to walk back all alone to her place.
Will one day someone come to her carriage and offer a "Hi?"
I don't know.
Will she reach her destination alone or with someone permanent or someone temporary?
She wishes to know.
I wish to know as well.

Jenny~

Serenade

Today was a normal day.
I entered classes and did my favourite job which is teaching..
And today's lesson was a poem entitled "Serenade."
So, kids asked me what is a serenade?
So I told them that its a piece of music or song sung by a man to his lover (which usually occurs in drama or in Romeo and Juliet's novels)..
And I accidentally said that,
I dislike serenade as it only happens in fairytales or dramas..
And a kids asked me,
"Then, teacher.. How will you ever get married?"

And I was left speechless.
A kid asked me that question.
O.M.G.
I remembered replying her the only answer that crosses my mind.
"If a man wants to marry me, he should know what to do to get me."
And then, I asked myself.
What do I want exactly?
The answer?
I have no idea at all.

As time goes by, I started to forget.
As time goes by, I started to feel cold.
Yes. People do drop by at my seats and chit-chat with me.
But, I started to treat them with coldness,
and always preoccupied with my tea and books.
Don't blame me,
I can't risk feeling it with someone that doesn't show his tickets to the terminal I am heading to.
And the only way of not being able to feel it?
Conceal. Don't feel.

Jenny~

Almost.

Something from #powerofspeech!
Sharing the second post of the month from this really inspiring page!
Do follow em ya~

"Almost. It's so important to embrace that word. 
We can have a destructive relationship with it.
 Almost made it. 
Almost in love. 
Almost married. 
Almost love myself. 
Almost. 

We grow to have such a dislike for it. 
We grow to fear it. 
We begin to believe in a destination...and forget that there really isn't one.

We are always in the almost.
 Let that resonate.
 Embrace that. 
We never actually just arrive. 
Not if we're doing life the right way. 
We're always growing. 
Always changing. 
Always challenging. 
Sure, we may find ourselves in love... or landing the perfect job...but it never ends just there. 
Because there's always going to be *almost* something more. 
When we can step back and accept that space, our relationship with the process gets better. 

Almost doesn't have to be so devastating. 
Instead, almost becomes inspiring. 
It's our calling. 
It's what gets us closer to living our fullest lives...lives made up of almosts that have become a reality...and beautiful almosts that lead us until our last day..

So feel it everywhere.
Love it everywhere.
Let it always inspire you.
Soon is always around the corner if you just let it be..

Note to myself and everyone reading this,
Don't regret at your almost.
Anticipate your soon.
Jenny~

Like seriously.

Like seriously, 
stop asking me whether feeling alone makes me sad or not!
Who isn't sad being all alone?
I mean it's definitely a bonus question right?
And you guys should know the answer already..
So why ask?

I don't get people sometimes,
Yes, I am all alone.
And yes, I feel sad being alone.
But that doesn't mean I should stop smiling and living right?
And that does NOT mean I should go out there and be desperate to find someone or anyone to accompany me just because I am alone right?
That is for those who wanted one night stands, and I am certainly not into those stuffs!

So, please.
Single doesn't mean alone.
Alone doesn't mean sad all times.
Lonely doesn't mean I must go out and find a guy.
Single also doesn't mean I am desperate for someone right now.
Alone also doesn't mean that I am pitiful and need a big group of friends to accompany me 24/7.
And lonely doesn't mean I am weak.

So, seriously, stop asking me questions like that.
If you are a friend, then you should make me feel better instead of making me feel bad about my status.
I am not proud being single, but I certainly not gonna rush into a relationship because I am alone.
So.
Stop.
Asking.

Jenny~

Empty

This is something that I grabbed from Instagram,

I followed one of this page which is "powerofspeech",

and the stuffs they write there gives me daily doses of good vibes..

Everything written there just reflects to how I felt,

and eventually boost up myself and my day..

And therefore, I shall share one of my favourite post from its page!

Do follow powerofspeech in Instagram to get your daily doses of good advices ya!

Empty.

It's normal to go through moments where you feel like something is missing in your life or within you.

There's a feeling of emptiness, and you may not be able to express what it is. 

You may conclude that you will only find happiness when this void is filled.

When people experience this feeling, they may chase all sorts of external things to ease this discomfort.

They can feel a temporary sense of fullness but ultimately the emptiness linger or returns.

People can have so much in their life but still feel a sense of lacking. 

On the other hand, people may feel like they are missing a lot and that only when they attain what they want will they truly be happy.

A feeling of inner emptiness is a result of something much deeper than that.

It's a reflection of an inability to embrace to love that surrounds us - the love and light of our God.

The world was created with and is sustained with love. We wake up each day and are given a renewal of life with love.

When we lack of this awareness and are unable to tap into this love, we feel a deep cavity in our souls. That is the feeling of emptiness.

So how do we improve our ability to absorb the love that is everywhere?

By choosing to open ourselves to love.

We often close our hearts by trying to avoid our feelings altogether, mainly our pain.

It's okay to feel pain as long as we learn how to deal with it in a productive way.

Throwing away our pain will not fit the void but make it larger.

Your emotions are valid and should be experienced.

We have to learn to love ourselves a little more each day, have compassion for our weaknesses, and honor the positive steps we take to change.

Feeling empty is a reminder that we have neglected our truest selves.

When we truly love ourselves, we are able to grow more, give love to others, as well as receive love in return.

Perhaps human beings are somewhat like donuts. 

Perhaps there is often some sort of "hole", an ache of something is missing within us. But if we embrace the love around us and allow it to flow within us, we can fill that space more and more. #powerofspeech

And I shall end this post with a quote by Robert Frost, "The only way out is through."

Jenny~

Mistaken

I remembered back in campus,
when people question me,
"Moi. Cina kah? Mixed kah u? Campur apa?"
The normal questions received.
"Aiyo, I thought you were mixed / Sino Dusun. Dont look like Chinese leh.."
Normal responses received. Sigh.
At that time, I thought maybe because the people around me does look a lot like Chinese but aren't Chinese.
Dont get me wrong,
I am not being racist here or whatsoever,
but it is funny when people thought I am a mixed when I am actually pure Chinese.
I guess its my eyes or my fair aka pale complexion..

When I moved back to Miri for work, I thought it has ended.
Nope.
An uncle talked BM to me just now, and when I replied in Mandarin,
His shocking appearance still makes me feel funny.
His reply?
"I thought you were a Kayan! You are too fair to be a Chinese."
My reaction?
"hahahaha..."
What do you expect me to respond? -_-"'

And therefore, now I wonder.
What do those men or guys out there perceive me as?
As a Chinese or mixed or non-Chinese?
But whatsoever it is, I just wish people don get mistaken with my identity.
I am and will be a pure and not mixed.
Again, not being racist but I do get mixed feelings when people kept mistaken my identity.
Try putting yourselves in my shoes and walk with it.
You might feel funny but as time goes by, it would feel different.

Jenny~

letting go

It is almost the end of Raya holidays!
And it was fun visiting houses from houses, 
and of course, the food and kuih were delicious!

But, holidays still end,
and it is working day tomorrow..
And I have been having some issues with myself..
In terms of physically and mentally..
And thus, I have come to a decision.
It is time to let go.
Let go of all the toxic food, people and memories,
that unknowingly has been killing me inside out.

I dont want to regret at the age of 30 for my health,
therefore, I strive to eat healthily now.
Been preparing vegetables for my dinner and keeping hydrated is my main goal!
Replacing sweets with fruits, and reducing intakes of junk food.
I guess it's enough of binge eating.
It's now back to controlling myself and my diet.
Exercise is also another huge step,
but let's do this slowly!
For my confidence as well as for my health.
And of course, indulgence weekend will still on,
No point of starving myself from the food I loved, right?
But the key point here is, reduce, reduce, reduce!

Toxic people.
I thought I have let go enough,
But like what one of Taylor Swift's song said,
Just because you're clean, doesn't mean you dont miss it.
I just realised the impact was far greater than I thought,
and it is affecting my life and feelings these days.
And because of that, I now strive to feel healthy feelings.
Been preparing myself to go out and meet people,
Replacing old memories with new ones, and reducing time to think about the past.
I guess it's enough of looking backwards at times.
Seeing you perfectly happy with your choice does ache me,
But I shouldn't..
We were, after all, belong to different train carriages.
You found your partner, and it's my time to find mine who would accompany me for hot chocolates throughout the journey.
I can't guarantee it, but for the meantime, I will love myself like you never did.
For my own happiness as well as for my future partner's happiness.
Key point here is, keep moving forward. What was left behind should stay behind.

This should be done in the early of the year.
But I guess it is not too late to realise,
realise that I wasnt strong after all.
And it is time to pick myself up and start anew.
Never too late to make a change.
And never too late to make myself happier each day.
Let's do this.

Jenny~

Repeat after me!

Repeat after me!
You can do it!
You have the best life ever and your job is leading you up higher!
You will have the best relationship and a guy who will loves you more than you do!
You are beautiful in your own ways!
And now, repeat this chant every day when you wake up!

This post might sound super random,
But, I came across with a book that I have read months ago..
It says that things happen because of our thoughts..
Let me put this in a simple way.
When we think that ice-cream is yummy, it will be yummy.
When we think that ice-cream is disgusting, it will be disgusting.
Basically, it is how we think about the things happening in our lives, and it will turn out just like how we think of..

In career,
When we look at our job as something depressing and difficult,
nothing will be easy..
But if we look at the bright side whereby we enjoy doing the things that we are doing, we will feel brighter and the days would pass by quickly..
A simple example, when a lecturer we love entered for lectures, time passes so fast! But when the lecturer that we dislike entered, the clock just wouldnt tick to the next minute!

In life,
If we think that we are losers and never can get to things right, then nothing is right..
But if we are confident with what we are doing and able to list out the pros and cons, then our life would be meaningful..
Life would be planned out well and eventually, we could answer people when they ask what are we doing with our lives..
A simple example? When we think that we are going to slip when going up the stage, we will slip.. But if we think positive and be confident, things will be smooth! 

And last but not least,
relationship.
I have always been telling myself,
that no guys want me coz I am loud, not skinny and pretty, doesnt have those attracting smiles, doesnt talk softly like other girls, isnt the lemah-lembut type, isnt attractive and many more..
And because of that, I lack off confidence in meeting guys..
My mindset is, no guys want you. No guys look at you. You are just any of the guys' types..
And because of that as well as after my break up case, I start to treat all the guys in the world like jerks. Waiting for them to make a mistake and then, telling myself off with the famous phrase, "I told you so.."
But at the end of the day, I felt lonely.
I feel like I need someone too but no one is there.

And thus, I am changing my perceptions from today.
I am not perfect but I have my own attractions.
I have my own strength and someone out there would be able to see them as well as embrace my weaknesses.
I know there is someone out there who could accept my flaws like how I can accept his flaws.
I know there is someone out there who could complete me like a missing jigsaw puzzle.
All I need to do is believe and plant these positive mindsets everyday, (not forgetting to go out and meet ppl. P.S. I dont trust social medias =))

And therefore, yes.
I am a miracle worker in my career.
I can create my own miracles in my life.
And there is someone out there who can work out miracles together with me.
Just believe and be positive.
You can do it!

Jenny~

July.

Hello July!
May this month be a good one!

And hello readers,
Haven't really been updating as I couldn't find the time and the topic to talk about..
Well, let's update!
Life,
Life is pretty good nowadays..
I got my own car and am still getting used to driving the roads in Miri,
And I hope that I am able to get used to it fast and able to go to places alone..
Other than that, life is pretty good. =)

Career,
Career is pretty hectic,
One of my innovation project was submitted by my school for a competition,
and thus,workloads as well as implementation must be done well,
I mean its my first time joining things like this as  teacher, 
and I do hope for success..
Other than that, it is merely hectic.
With observations and coaching for school competitions.
But opportunities kept coming my way,
especially business ones.
But will be talking on that after I got involved with it first.
Teehee.

Friendship,
Friendship is meh..
Accidentally met a long-lost old friend of mine,
and the feelings of not being remembered especially what you and him been through is a little disappointing..
But I guess, that's life.
Some people remembers you, some dont.
So why be sad about those who dont?
I am still the nice girl whose here for everyone.
But am not the dumb girl who listens to each and every complains u have about ur life, relationship and whatsoever.
I have my own filter.

Love,
Love life is empty.
Nothing.
Zero.
But I am happy.
Happy seeing my friends out on their dates.
Happy seeing them with their loved ones.
Happy to be invited to their weddings.
Happy for them.
Do I wish the same to happen on me?
Yes. One day. =)

Anyways, that's all..
Nothing much to be updated though..
May things go well in July! 

Jenny~