Reflection

31.12.2018.
It's finally new year eve, and tomorrow morning will be a new beginning for you and me.
2018 has been a great year filled with wonderful moments created and spent with people around me,
2018 is also a year where I experienced loss in many ways which in turn made me stronger.

I remembered entering 2018 with someone at my side,
thinking that he will remain at my side until the end of 2018,
but it didn't happen.
Things started to change between us,
we lost contact,
we stopped exchanging messages,
and we stopped caring for one another.
It hurts a lot to commit myself to this distance,
but putting him far away from my sight seems to be the best cure.
And today, we have already on our own paths of lives.

2018 was also the year where I worked really hard for my pupils as well as for my studies,
I spent a lot of my time in school,
trying to beat deadlines for school works and assignments,
and I eventually got addicted to it until it has now became my escape room.

2018 was also the year where I started my studies in my Masters.
And to be able to meet with new people,
creating new friendships with people who unknowingly became the closest people in my life,
I found back my happiness and smiles in them.
Memories were created with them and I am glad that 2018 has brought these new people into my life.

2018 was also the year where I lost my closest colleague.
A man who have been a source of comfort and laughter at school,
A man who works really hard for his family,
A man that I look up to as my ideal type of husband,
and a man who never fails to smile and say 'hi' whenever we walked passed one another.
My lunch partner every time we stayed back for work,
and my partner to tease around with.
I may lose him physically, but he will always be around deep in my memories.

2018 is also a year where my best friend got married.
The most important event for her as well as for myself,
to see her hitched with the man she truly loves,
and to be able to experience everlasting happiness is something that I have always wished to see one day,
and it finally came true.

It has been an awesome year,
being surrounded by my family and friends,
my amazing colleagues who never fail to be there when I need them the most,
for filling up the gaps in my heart and allowing me to be myself.
To my family, thank you for being at my side though we bicker a lot.
To my best friend, thank you for not leaving me even though you have changed status to madam.
To my new and old friends, thank you for being there to make me laugh at all times.
To my colleagues, thank you for being there especially when I needed to laugh or complain.
To the one who I have lost contact with, thank you for the past 3 years of laughter, tears, warmth and comfort.

Jenny~

Towards the end

27th December 2018.

How time flies.

How fast we are approaching to the end of 2018,

and into a new beginning of 2019.

2018 has been a great year compared to the previous one,

2018 was a year where I learnt new things, 

experienced new feelings,

meeting new people,

and having several new crushes be it real life or in my celebrity world.

2018 was also a year where I learnt to let go,

to move on,

and to look at life with a new perspective.

A year where I finally found my smiles and happiness,

without having to depend on others to do so.

A year where I could finally do something for myself,

without having to depend on other to do it for me.

And as we are approaching the end of 2018,

I will be updating my reflection on the things that happened in 2018,

and setting new year resolutions for 2019.

Till then.

Jenny~

Erased

It took me a long time to do this.
The decision to erase,
to remove,
and to leave it behind,
was a decision that I couldn't make everytime I see your name.

But now,
I am done with it.
Names have been erased.
Feelings have been wiped off.
Memories have stopped replaying in my mind.

You are now my past,
and I am now moving towards the future,
without your shadows lurking around me.
I can now smile,
without your presence.

Jenny~

Reminisce

The empty seat.

The clean notebook.

The smell of coffee.

The sound of soft chatters.

The mellow jazz.

She sits there,

all alone,

staring out there,

wondering how was everyone.

How was the man with big sparkling eyes,

who have always passed by her window,

and now has became a part of her past.

How was the man with the craziest stories,

silliest antics,

who always kept her company with his annoying jokes,

and now has became a part of her past as well.

How was the man who have created the most wonderful dreams,

who gave her hopes and warmth,

who laughed at every words and sentences she said,

who shared the same passions, hobbies, likes,

and now has also became a part of her past.

How was the man who she never met,

but have kept her company through letters,

who she thought might be the unexpected one,

and turns out to be someone who should have belonged to the past.

She reminisce all the memories created in the past,

she thought for a while.

Should she pen down these into her notebook,

or should she just let them drift away in her chest of memories.

She looked outside,

wishing to find something,

or someone else to write about in her notebook.

She looked down on the new page,

and thought hard before writing the first two words,

'begin again'

Jenny~

Opinions

It gets frustrating when conversation with mom always end up with conflicting opinions on marriage.
Mom has this traditional mindset whereby a lady must be married before the age of 30,
or else, she would have no more market value by that time.
Mom also has this traditional opinion where she doesn't believe in love.
She believes that one should just get married and then, feelings would eventually appear according to its course of time,
which is applicable to my grandfather and grandmother's time,
as well as my parents' time,
whereby they are not allowed to simply go out and hang out with guys,
and must follow what their parents have decided for them.

I do respect my mom's opinions as those are her experiences,
but I wish she would listen to me just one time,
and listen to what the current world is heading to.
My mindset of marriage is yes, a lady must be married but not within an age limit.
A woman does not lose their market value at any ages,
but always has her own values.
If a man couldn't accept a woman above 30 years old,
it was never the woman's fault but the man who failed to see her beauty over her age.
I once believed in getting married first and then develop feelings later,
but right now, I don't.
The thought of agreeing to marry with a total stranger whom I don't even have any feelings or a good impression on scared the wits out of me.
It's not because I am financially independent or I am a hot stuff that I can pick whatever guy I want to,
but I just don't want to regret right at the moment I walk down that aisle.
I don't want to suffer in silence,
and kept on having the what-ifs popping out in my head even though I am already married.
I can't even imagine myself sharing a bed with a complete stranger,
and having to bear living with him for the rest of my life,
when I am still in doubt and still hoping for someone else to appear in my life.

Mom also believes that I should be the one who should be searching for man,
who should be flirting and asking man out,
who should be the one to take initiative to make a guy fall for me,
but mom, since when did you start to turn your daughter into a desperate lady when it was also you who ask me to take my time?
Why should I do all those stuffs to a complete stranger who doesn't even take any initiative to know me more?
Why should I be the one to search for him when he was the one who left me hanging like the previous man?
Why should I be the one flirting and asking him out when I don't have any purpose of doing so?
And why should I be the one to take initiative to make him fall for me when he does not even find me occasionally?

Dear mom,
How I wish you could read this post,
and understand your daughter's point of view.
Your daughter wants to get married too,
Your daughter wants to have kids too,
Your daughter wants to be near to you even after getting married,
But your daughter wants to settle down with a man whose worthy of her,
who could take care of her,
whom she loves and would sacrifice anything for him.
Your daughter is all ready, but she just hasn't found the one she could put her heart out for.
Your daughter wants to be happy, and not suffer in silence due to her obedience to you.

Jenny~

The truth

The truth.
The truth was that I have accepted the truth.
The truth.
The truth was that I have knew all the truth all this while,
but I chose to avoid it.
I chose to lie to myself, thinking things will change into better ones,
I chose to put the truth behind me, and kept on wishing that you will turn around for me.

But in the whole process of wishing and putting my heart out there for you,
I ended up in despair, sadness and in great emotional swings,
the feelings of having you at my side and then losing you at the next sight,
the feelings of having to stalk her just to know how you are doing,
the fear that I am going to lose you to anyone out there,
makes me lose myself,
and eventually, back to square one.

I am lucky.
Someone came along and woke me up from this endless cycle,
someone lent his hands to me and picked me up from the side,
and encouraged me to keep on walking.
Someone came to my side,
embraced me and told me that I should continue my journey,
and I did.

I put behind all those baggage,
and I walked on with the good memories we had.
I deleted all the negative feelings,
and I brought along the positive feelings with me.
I met with truth,
I sat with truth,
and I listened to the truth that I have avoided all this while.
And truth didn't hurt me,
it further consolidates the reason of moving on.

And I am now heading to the next step,
not alone,
but with her, them and him.
I finally found my rays of light amidst the darkness.
I finally found my true happiness in me.
and I have finally accepted
the truth.

Jenny~

It's not me

At the age of 26,
and a few more months ahead before the beginning of the new year,
which directly bringing my age to 27,
I have been getting pressures from my parents on marriage.

At the age of 26,
I have finally matured up,
and realised that relationship and marriage is something that I have suddenly left at the back of my priority list.
I realised that whenever the topic on marriage appears,
I would forever despise talking about the topic especially when my mom has been pestering me to contact this man,
ask him out for a drink,
be more open-minded,
be more forward,
and "chase" after this guy.

But dear mom,
he is not my cup of tea.
I couldn't imagine myself standing next to this man,
what more getting married with him,
and having kids with him,
and ending my bright future out there with this man who I know I do not have feelings with.

Just by looking at his pictures,
all I can say is,
I am not interested to know more about this man,
what more with his cowardice of not trying to approach me constantly,
not trying to find a topic that could make me keep wanting to share more,
and being a guy where I HAVE to pursue,
makes me feel disgusted.

I stopped chasing after men,
heartbreaks after heartbreaks taught me that being patient is something that is rewarding.
I stopped putting my heart out there,
heartbreaks after heartbreaks taught me to guard my heart fiercely.
I stopped dreaming of being in a relationship,
heartbreaks after heartbreaks taught me that dreams would only remain dreams.
And finally, I stopped having the feeling of wanting to love someone else,
heartbreaks after heartbreaks taught me to love myself more instead of giving all to another person who would eventually leave me in pieces again.

Heartbreaks taught me a lot.
It taught me to listen to my heart.
And if I do all those stuffs that my mom wanted me to do,
I will do eventually, but trust me,
it will not end up anywhere.
I am just doing for the sake of being a filial daughter,
and not for the sake of creating any future with this man.

Jenny~

I still remember

Honestly, it still feels weird when you are no longer here.
It feels like I am missing something when you are not around.
I still remember when we would arrive school almost at the same time,
and we parked side by side,
and seeing you sending your son off to his class makes me feel proud of your fatherly side.

I still remember how we always said "Hi" or "Good morning",
or even teasing each other whenever we passed by one another.
I still remember how I always get to have lunch with you and your son,
and we would talk about all the stuffs in Sabah,
and my own relationship issue,
and how you would advise me and give me encouragement.

I remember your height,
your voice,
your face,
and how you are as crazy and funny as all my other colleagues.
I thought we would walk along this career path for a long time,
and I even thought of inviting you to my future wedding.

But you were gone too soon.
I still remember how I was shaking and crying when I heard the news,
how I burst into tears at school when the news was mentioned again,
and how I cried again when I saw you at the most unexpected place.
Thank you for appearing in my dream the other day,
and said the last "Hi" before leaving.
I hope you are good at the other place,
and you would always be remembered in every single praise and worship session.
Because I believe that you have never left.
You still live in my memories.

Jenny.

Matchmaking

I remembered watching television in my younger times as well as now,
and watching how the female characters always get match made,
and somehow, the guy was someone cool and charming,
and thought they were match made,
somehow, one way or another,
they fell in love with one another,
and got together,
and lived happily ever after.

And I, the naive one, believed in those stuffs,
and at the most desperate moments of mine,
I asked my aunt to be my matchmaker.
And when she did become my matchmaker and introduced to a man,
I was in shock and totally rejected the guy due to how similar he resembled of a guy that I met early of the year.
But eventually, things got out of hand when my parents went and talked about it without my knowledge.

And, now I am in the match-making process whereby I have been introduced to the guy in Facebook,
and messaging through the app.
I don't know why, but my heart isn't just there.
And there are times, I wonder why am I being such a cold-hearted person.
Is it because I have locked my heart,
or maybe my heart is just at some other place?

To this guy,
if you are the one I ended up with,
then, I guess fate and destiny has their own ways to twist and turn in my life.
But if you aren't the one,
please understand that I am not the one for you,
and the one for you is out there in pursuit of you.

Jenny

It was temporary

She sat at the corner of the cafe,

watching the rain droplets racing against each other.

Today, the cafe was a little quiet,

all she could hear was soft whispers of people trying to find warmth in their cups of coffee or hot cocoa,

light footsteps of the waitress,

and the sound of the rain falling without any sign of stopping.

She looked at the piano,

and was reminded of how she thought her heart actually skipped a beat for the man who was there the other day,

she smiled to herself,

and closed her eyes.

She put her hands towards her heart,

and realised that it still beats the same.

He was not the one she was looking for.

He was not the one she was waiting for.

He was just a passer-by.

He wasn't meant to stay,

neither at the cafe or her heart.

It was just temporary.

She picked up her book, 

and stood up.

She walked towards the door, 

and without turning behind, 

she walked on and on,

towards the train station to continue her journey to the next city.

Jenny~

The unexpected fear

Last night was my cousin's wedding reception,
and I was a bit excited to attend with my family as I would be able to meet my relatives whom I haven't met for a long time.
However, it somehow turned into a stressful environment for me.
My cousin who was 34, has finally got married despite many of us thinking she wouldn't,
but I guess love has its own way to reach and touch her heart at the end of the day.

And me, as the onlooker, has a high hope of ending up like her as well no matter at what age I would be by then,
I believe that one day, I, too, would also be able to wear that wedding gown,
and walked down the aisle together with a man whom I love and loves me too.
But when my aunts started to corner me around with wedding / relationship questions,
I got a little overwhelmed to their "kindness" until I got a little stressed out because of it.

I was even stressed out when one of my aunts kept mentioning about how I should find a pure Chinese,
how I should pick guys based on their wealth,
job status,
and their "pure Chinese" label.
And when another aunt started to show me pictures of single man who was 34,
I was scared.
At that moment, I was scared of getting married or even getting committed in a long term relationship.
For the first time, I realised that I was not ready.
I was not ready to end this single life,
I was not ready to end the connection I had with him,
I was not up for it.

And that's the part where I also found out that it wasn't because the guy was not good looking,
or he was far too old for me,
but my heart isn't there.
Somehow, I have locked this little heart of mine to a place where it didn't simply beat for any guys,
where it didn't simply skipped a beat randomly on any kind of guys,
I realised I was feeling insecure.
I found that I am only ready for that one man,
who I knew I am ready for once he popped out the question,
who I knew would be my perfect fit.

And until that day comes,
I really hope that my love life would only be in my own control,
and no one else.
As I am the one who would be living with the guy of my choice for the rest of my life,
and I couldn't bear to surrender it to someone who couldn't make me say yes in the first place.

Jenny~

Skipped a beat

She was on a new train heading to her next destination,

it has been a while she didn't take out her diary and she started writing.

She wrote about the new experience that she obtained during her stopover in several small towns,

and how she met new people who made her smile,

laughed and enjoyed her times exploring the little towns.

She looked outside and can't wait to reach the new destination.

As the train stopped, she walked down and was greeted with familiar smiles,

she took her suitcase and headed over a nearby cafe,

she entered the cafe,

and a soft piano music started playing behind her as she walked towards her seat.

It was her favourite song.

She turned her head,

and it was someone she once knew a long time ago.

They looked at one another and smiled.

She sat at her place,

and her heart skipped a beat.  

She smiled, looked towards the sky,

and anticipate the unexpected.

Jenny~

Travel

Travelling is something that I am anticipating,
and something that I haven't been able to do just yet due to my career, studies and restrictions from my family.
Travelling is something that I look forward to,
something that I wish to be able to do with my closest friends,
or with my future sweetheart,
and able to create more beautiful memories together.

The second half of the year have been a busy year whereby I was required to fly to and from KL for career and studies purposes,
and during these flight trips,
I wondered to myself,
how do people that are required to travel one place to another on work purposes could manage the hectic life?
how do they maintain close relationship with their families and friends where most of their time are spent in the plane instead?

Somehow, I stopped wishing to have a life like that,
I guess I am already at the age whereby all I need is a home to stay in, and able to just do what I like at home,
instead of always being on the plane,
travelling from one place to another,
and missing out precious times with my family and friends.
People have been travelling around the world at a very young age,
and I am still stuck in this circle.
Though I do still feel envious when seeing them travelling with their loved ones, close friends or their sweethearts,
I was able to tell myself right now,
that time will come for me to set my wings free,
and be able to travel to places that I have always wished I would be able to be,
not on my own, but with people that I know would create moments that I would remember and cherish for a long time.

Until then, let's spend some time for myself,
to know and love myself more through little things,
and never ever compare my life with someone else's,
because no one could live my life to the fullest but me.
Travel can wait, but time with family and friends can't.

Jenny~

Self love

I have been talking and mentioning self love for quite a few times in my post,
talking bout how important it is to love ourselves and putting us first before others
talking about how we should treat and pamper ourselves which includes self rewards.
But at times, I forgot to love myself,
and thus, depending on others out there to provide me with love, attention and warmth,
and when it was unattainable,
I started to break into pieces and resorted to sadness as well as darkness.

I have been struggling with self love for quite some time,
whereby I at times couldn't accept how I look,
how my body image influence my self confidence,
how I always try to change myself for the sake of being liked by people out there,
trying to become someone who isn't me just to fulfill what other people wish to perceive me as,
when inside me, I am just a normal, fragile and sensitive girl.

When BTS ( a Korean group) has released a new song entitled, "Epiphany",
it seems like I have also found my epiphany in finally accepting myself,
my imperfections and my flaws.
Telling myself that though I am not perfect, but I am still beautiful in my own ways,
and that the person that I should love, is me after all.
Realising this, I started to open my heart more,
spending less time thinking about how I should be, but focus on using what I have to be the best version of myself,
spending less time thinking about how other people perceive me as, but focusing on how to the best me in front of them,
and spending less time thinking about how to make someone like me, but focusing on loving myself so much that all the love would overflow to others.

And with those thoughts, I look forward to life,
I look forward to the current friendships that I have built, hoping to build more friendships in the future,
I look forward to the unexpected things and changes, with the hope of able to overcome the fear and embracing it as a part of self growth.
and I look forward to love myself in a greater way, and sharing this overflowing of love with others with the hope that they too would be able to love themselves and people around them.

This journey is going to be a long,
and I couldn't promise to be able to love myself fully,
but I will always try,
because I have no one else but me.

Jenny~

Living the days

These past few weeks have been quite a difficult week for me,
From losing my colleague and my classmate in Masters,
as well as getting overwhelmed with the fact that the swelling in my mouth is getting bigger,
my anxiety and panic disorder became even worse.

For those who don't know,
Yes.
I have anxiety and panic disorder,
where I experienced symptoms of fast heartbeat, rapid breathing and always feeling suffocated especially when overthinking conquers me.
I started to experience all this when I was in Form 3,
and I realised that it gets worse when I was back in training years.
As I have started working,
I was lucky to meet a colleague who is also my school counselor,
and to be honest, she has helped me a lot to reduce my anxiety and panic disorder.
From our conversations, I was able to identify that my irrational thinking and perspectives have always been the main trigger to my anxiety,
the constant feeling of wanting to be in a perfect bubble,
where things should happen in a perfect accordance has been the main cause of my anxiety.

And when things didn't go like it was supposed to go in my perspectives,
things went awry.
When my colleague passed away, I was overcome with anxiety,
When my classmate in my masters passed away, I was getting panic at times,
and when I thought I have finally moved on from it, my health was the next trigger that caused me to constantly feel nervous and difficult to breathe no matter where I was.
I decided to go to another dental clinic with the purpose to check on my teeth,
when he decided to refer me to a specialist in the general hospital just in case it is something that should't be there.
That was the moment where I could feel the fear and anxiety sets in,
and it lasted for a couple of days, and everytime when I was in the hospital,
I couldn't breathe right and all I could think of was what I have done all this while with my life.

I guess God is always using these kinds of situations to bring me back to my true path,
at the time when I started to stray off, He would bring me back through different kinds of events that have been happening in life,
It is always the things that I fear the most, that would occur on me,
with the intention to make me brave and ready to face it in life.
And I am glad that God has allowed me to meet people that has helped to ease this burden and anxiety that set in.
And I believe that angels always take form in human beings,
and they have always been around us without us knowing,
and that is something that I have believed in since my training years in Sabah.

After several reviews and still awiting for the result at the moment I am writing this,
I could only hope that it is nothing serious,
and that, I am given another chance to continue to live on the days with a purpose and meaning.

Jenny.

Closure

Today is the day where I have shed the most tears for this year.
Arrived at school and not able to see the usual car parked beside me for almost a year,
Entering the staffroom and not able to see the familiar back,
Went to the assembly hall and couldn't see the familiar tall guy whose always looked smart in his suit and smiles,
Not listening to his voice as well as his Sabahan accent the whole morning,
I couldn't adjust myself with it and caught myself crying at all times.
During the assembly when the news were told to the school,
I couldn't help it but hid in one corner with my tears flowing endlessly.
It was the day that I have shed the most tears in school,
and even talking bout it would make me start to cry again.

In the afternoon, my colleagues and I decided to pay our last respect to him at his home,
and the whole way to his place,
I was filled with worries and anxiety of how I am able to manage myself emotionally.
And when we reached there,
I went up and looked at him for the last time.
He was at peace.
He was resting well with a smile.
And I believe that he is now in a better place.

Closure is what I seek after I went to pay my last respect.
Therefore, this post will be one of the posts that would always keep him in my memory for a great length of time.
I hope that by reading this post 5 years later or 10 years later,
I would still be able to smile and recall all the conversations, memories and moments we have spent together.
Rest well, my dear friend.
You have worked hard and well, and it is time for you to rest well.
Thank you appearing in my life,
and being there at one point of time.
Thank you for listening to me when I needed,
and always giving me words of wisdom and encouragement.
Thank you for always giving me the familiar Sabahan homely feelings,
and always there to tell me about my second hometown.
And thank you for being the perfect guy that I wish I would be able to meet someday,
and for always being so cheerful till the end.
Thank you for everything, Cg. James.

Jenny~

Left too soon

This morning, I was awaken by a phone call from my PK1.
She asked me about my extra class that was held today before breaking the news to me,
I was trembling and shaking when I heard that one of my closest male colleagues has left us.
I kept asking whether it was true and told my PK1 to re-confirm the news before posting it in our group.
I couldn't think straight and I sat there, hoping that this news was just a dream.
But when she posted and confirmed the news,
my heart broke into pieces and couldn't stop myself from crying.

He was a great teacher,
someone who puts all his effort trying to complete his work on time,
he was an active person, always smiling and said hi to me whenever we passed one another.
He was a great father,
someone who takes care of his son well and always be there for his son.
He was a great friend,
someone who shared his worries and stress with me,
someone who understood the word anxiety and depression as both of us went through and is still trying to cope it,
someone who never complains and always makes jokes to keep us entertained no matter where we are,
someone who always advise me about relationship,
and someone who listens to me whenever I needed someone to talk to.

Just the thought of him,
and looking at his place,
and looking at his pictures and videos made me teared up again and again,
I regretted deleting his last chats with me where he sent me his voice notes instead of text messages.
I will miss seeing his smiles and politeness,
talking to him in our Sabahan accents,
teasing him and his constant "Hi" everytime we meet,
and his deep faith in God.

Rest well, my friend.
You did not leave us empty-handed, but you have left us with the most precious moments to be remembered.
Thank you for everything, Cg. James.

Jenny~

Starting anew

Recently, I decided to reward myself with a new phone.
I guess I think it is time to reward myself for all the works that I have been doing in school, as well as to celebrate the end of my first semester in my Masters.
After getting myself a new phone, the usual stuffs was required whereby I was busy transferring all my pictures and documents from the old phone to my laptop.
And I also did backup in Whatsapp chat as I didn't want to erase everything in it,
especially the conversations I had with him.
Thinking that everything is done,
I changed phone and tried to restore all my chats in my Whatsapp which it didn't happen.
Everything was gone,
all the conversations with him.
Everything.
Every single things that he has said to me,
promised me,
and wanted to do with me,
all are now gone.

I guess this was a sign.
A sign that it's time to start anew.
To get myself a fresh start.
It is weird not being able to re-read all our conversations together.
It feels really awkward not being able to go through each and every starred message,
just to reminisce that one particular moment.
I thought I would be in tears when I couldn't retrieve all of it,
but I didn't.
I guess, I needed this to happen though I didn't want it to.
I guess, this is it.

Jenny~

Getting used to it

Slowly, slowly,
she opened her eyes,
looking at the old ceiling,
the lights and the fan that has been spinning like forever.

Slowly, slowly,
she sat up and looked around the little room,
pushing off her blanket,
and stood up.

Slowly, slowly,
she walked to the window,
and looked outside,
and sighed.

How long has she been here?
How long has she been stuck in this room?
How long has she not seen the sun,
and walked down the streets?

She packed her belongings,
put up her sundress, shades and hat,
and walked down the stairs,
heading to the door.

And as she opened her door,
she looked up to the sky,
looking at how all the dark clouds have cleared up,
she realised that the dark has finally passed,
and it's time to let the rays of light to enter her life again.

She took a deep breath,
and took a step out.
Smiling, she thought to herself,
she has gotten used to this.

Jenny~

Drained

It has been almost 2 weeks after holidays,

and to be honest, I didn't get to even rest after a month long holiday.

I have been pushing myself physically in juggling between my career and studies,

and trying to deal with my emotional needs at the same time.

And when I thought I could hold everything in,

I couldn't.

I reached to a breaking point where I lied on my bed,

contemplating about all the works that haven't been done,

all the events that are waiting for me to handle,

my exam that is on the day where a big event that I am handling is happening,

and my emotional needs,

of being listened, 

being cared,

and being told that I can do it.

It became unbearable when it seems like there's no one who understood the hardships that I am going through.

I may look fine outside,

but inside, I am struggling.

I am struggling to beat the deadlines,

I am struggling to make sure things are done in a perfect manner,

and I am struggling emotionally though I told myself that I am fine.

I am not fine.

I am physically drained,

emotionally unstable,

and trying to look strong on the outside is just under a pretense,

to hide my fragile self that has been broken into pieces again and again.

I guess it's just the time of the day where all emotions rushed in,

where I feel least needed,

where I am left alone, dealing with things,

where no one seems to be there at the corner to listen to my pleas,

where only music and songs seem to be the only companion.

*sigh*

Jenny.

Her purpose

She has been wandering around the streets for months by now.
Ever since she left the train station,
she has been wandering about from streets to streets,
cafes to cafes,
and bookshops to another library.

She was trying to find herself,
her purpose,
and her mission in this life.
She has filled with curiosity as to what she is destined to do in this life,
what is her purpose in people's lives,
and why is she hurting badly in almost every encounter.

And finally, she realised that she has been serving her purpose all this while.
To be a source of comfort and laughter to other people.
She realised that all this while, she had been tending to lost souls,
broken-hearted ones,
unloved beings,
as well as those with emotional burdens.

She recalled back all her encounters,
and found that, she had been always there to comfort,
to create happiness,
and to bring them to their starting point.
She sacrificed her own happiness for others,
she gave all her love to others,
hoping that they will do the same to her,
and returned the same favour back to her.
She was hurting badly because it never happened.

She looked up to the sky,
and asked the sky,
if this is really her purpose in this life,
to sacrifice own happiness for others,
to provide a place of comfort to broken ones,
while she is still broken.
She hated the fact,
but slowly, she embraced it,
and made it a part of her.

"I will continue this mission,
to provide comfort and happiness to others,
but this time,
with no more expectations,
and no more heartbreaks."

Jenny~

Her wedding

As I was on my way to Kuching to catch the earliest flight to Sibu,
all I was thinking was about how things were going on her side.
Last Saturday was my best friend's wedding,
and in order to be there as a witness to this magical moment,
I sacrificed my classes on the weekend,
and took a ride to Kuching and stayed overnight alone before leaving at the earliest flight.

I was really grateful with the people that have helped me along the journey,
my new friends as well as my cousins who had reduced my loneliness into bits during one night at Kuching.
I remembered waking super early to get ready for my flight,
and during my journey from Kuching to Sibu,
I was anxious as I was worried I wouldn't witness her first part of the ceremony at her home.
Luckily, I was able to reach on time,
and spent the hours with her while trying to make her feel calm and happy by cracking silly jokes.

And the time came for her father and family members to send her off to her husband.
I remembered seeing her crying badly,
and I was moved to tears as well.
I was trying to hold back but shedding tears was a must,
I, too, was sad to send her off to her new life,
but as the closest person to her, I was happy that she has finally settled down with the man that was right for her.

After the first part, I went to her reception,
took pictures with her and kept reminding her to smile,
and that, she should be happy on this day.
As I was in a rush, I had to leave early before I bid her farewell.
When I reached the airport and was leaving to Miri,
I had mixed feelings.
I was happy to see her settling down with her love,
while I am still in pursuit for the right man to settle down.
I was happy to see her gain another plus one,
while I am somehow losing my grip and back to being the only one.
I was happy to see her beginning a new life with her plus one,
while I am still somehow re-setting my life.

No matter what happens, to my best friend,
I wish you all the happiness and love in your newly-found life,
I am not sure if you would ever read this,
but remember that, no matter what happens in your marriage,
you can always depend on me.
May your marriage be blessed with lots of love and happiness,
and that, I am able to the best Auntie to your children,
and may I, too, will be the next one to walk down the aisle
with the love of my life.

Jenny~

Aftermath

Holidays have started a month ago and finally came to its end.

Time passed really slow during the holidays,

and each day,

I was anticipating for my return to work,

dealing with hectic timetables and kids.

During this month-long holidays,

I have went through a series of emotional bouts,

where I caught myself falling and tumbling down at all times.

I felt insecure,

I felt devastated,

I felt terribly sad and not telling to anyone,

makes things worse.

Until it was time for me to go off for holiday classes,

where I found back my happy pills.

It was also during those times that reading has helped me to pull through a lot.

One of the online books that I have been reading was "Into the Magic Shop",

it was from BTS, a Korean group which I have been following for a couple of weeks,

that has also been pulling me through the difficult times.

After reading few chapters in that particular book,

I started to open my heart,

and slowly let go.

I have clung onto something that I knew I wouldn't possess,

I have went back to the old square without noticing how far I have strayed away from the original path that I have told myself to take,

I have hold onto a hope that I knew from earlier on that this would eventually harm me at the end of the day,

I have always been going back to the same old bench,

without realising how stuck I was in the cycle.

And eventually, I started to care less.

I started to tell myself that it is fine to respond when needed.

It is fine to be a person's comfort zone,

maybe this is what I was supposed to be in this life.

I started to remind myself to stop living in the bubble of hopes,

and live the real life out there.

And I told myself to slowly stop chasing after the butterfly that has flew further and further away.

It's time to stop chasing after butterflies,

and enjoy the view.

It hurts to see the butterfly you once loved so much flew away and out of sight,

but if it's meant to be, it will come back.

If it's not, there would be another one,

and another one.

You just have to sit, take a deep breath, and always look up.

Jenny~

Like a butterfly

Like a butterfly,
you started to show your most beautiful wings,
you started to dance around the rays of sunlight,
proud of being a gorgeous sight.

I looked at you,
I stared in awe at your beauty.
I thought I could keep you,
but like a butterfly,
you started to fly.

Fly further and further away,
further away from me,
who could only stay at ground,
watching your wings fluttering,
as you carried yourself away from me.

I looked at you,
I stared at you,
at how you were so happy,
seeing the ones alike with you,
and without a second thought,
you started to fly.

Fly further and further away,
further away from me,
who could only stay at ground,
watching you fly away with them,
as you carried yourself away from me.

And now I am here,
left all alone,
without your presence.
Like a butterfly,
you flew away from me.
And like a human with the most fragile heart,
I broke into pieces,
while contemplating,
to wait for your return,
or to seek for other beauty in life.

Jenny~

Airport

We had a short holidays for this week as the state declared two days off as public holidays,
which were deemed unnecessary,
but it was because of this, I was able to have a nice bonding time with my best friend.
When I went and picked her up at the airport,
I was super excited as I was able to spend three days with her,
without the presence of her husband.

Those three days were filled with lots of laughter,
reminiscing the olden days,
as well as going for unplanned drive and getting massages.
I had a lot of fun just by hanging out with her,
talking to her and just spending time with her.
It has been quite a while not doing stuffs like this,
ever since IPG time.

And today, I was also in charge of sending her off to the airport.
Seeing her back as she turned away and heading to the boarding hall before bidding farewell actually breaks my heart bit by bit.
And I realised that the airport is the place where we can find both happiness and sadness at the same time.
Happiness as we embark on a new journey,
to a new destination,
with people we love and love us.
Sadness as we watched the backs of our loved ones,
turning away from us and heading to a new destination,
while we carry on our lives without the presence of our loved ones.

It was indeed a heartbreaking moment when I started to tear up in the airport,
and I kept on telling myself not to break down in the airport.
I walked to my car,
closed the door,
put on my seatbelt,
and cried the whole journey back to my own place.

Changes haven't been something easy to me.
And watching someone's back turned away from me,
leaving me at my old place,
while I'm all alone standing there,
is heartbreaking.
I always thought I would be able to endure this kind of situation,
but I realised that I am not as strong and resilient as I thought I would be.

Be strong, little heart.
More to come soon.

Jenny~

Swept with emotions

She stood under a bus stop.
Waiting for the next bus to carry her to the next destination.
Past few days, she has been experiencing too much emotions,
too much sadness that was self-inflicted,
too much of thinking over things that she can't control.

She looked at herself in the mirror,
scolding herself for forgetting why came down from the train,
forgetting the reason why she has came into this small town,
forgetting that without him, she should continue on her journey.

The thoughts of him made her happy,
as well as caused pain to her,
and eventually, she decided.
Decided to pack up,
and move to the next town.
But deep inside,
she knew that no matter where she goes,
she will always be bringing her emotional luggage,
as she couldn't let it go.

She thought she had let it go,
but she didn't.
She thought she is strong enough,
but she isn't.
She thought she could continue this journey by herself,
before realising that,
she was barely making it.

Be strong.
Let go when it's too painful to hold on.
Cry out loud and embrace the pain.
Let the pain reminds you of the lessons learnt,
and move on.

Jenny~

Where?

Where is the old you?

Where is the old you that puts marriage at the very first element in life?

Where is the you that always wants to be in love,

and always find yourself dreaming of wearing that white gown,

walking down the aisle to the man you have been wishing for,

and say the magical words, "I do"?

Where is the you that have always dreamed of having kids,

and having a blissful family?

and where is the you who have always been so open and happy,

when it comes to talking about wedding?

You have turned into someone that you have never imagined to be in your young life.

You have turned into someone who doesn't accept the idea of wedding as your happy ending,

You have turned into someone cold,

who thinks wedding is a waste of money.

You have turned into someone who can't stop working,

because work is the only way for you to escape from thinking.

You have turned into someone who only thinks of finding someone to go travel with,

and no longer trying to find someone to settle down.

You have turned into someone who doesn't dream of getting married anymore,

because deep inside, 

you know you have given hope in this superficial love.

You have already given up on that dream,

regardless of how people tell you to never give up.

You have already given up on the dream of meeting someone who you could love and love you back,

regardless of how people ask you to continue to search.

and you have given up on the idea of falling in love,

because right now, your heart is so broken,

that when you think you are mending it,

you aren't.

All you did is just to piece it up together,

and eventually breaking it again.

That's why you were so upset,

you were angry,

you were sad,

and you were crying,

when people talk about how they wouldn't meet their another half if they were in the same part of the journey with you.

Because you know you do not have that dream or wish anymore.

Jenny~

Time

Time is something that everyone is in a love and hate relationship with.

When time passes too slow, we tend to complain and wish time would have pass by us fast,

we want to fast forward our lives just to see what's the ending,

or whether what we have always wanted actually happens,

and that's the main reason why we would seek answers through predictions or fortune telling.

When time passes too fast, we tend to complain and wish time would go slower.

We want to enjoy certain moment and the happiness,

and just don't wish it to end that fast.

As for me, time has been good enough as well as cruel sometimes to me.

Time has shown to me how I have slowly matured,

and not matured in certain aspects.

Over these past 4 years of working,

I realised that time has been a constant challenge for me in many aspects.

In terms of friendship, time has proved as a challenge to this aspect.

My best friends are slowly getting busier with their own lives,

and we don't really find one another and have our heart to heart sharing like last time.

But we are still friends.

And from here, I learnt that,

no matter how the time has passed, friendship is a bond that is unbreakable if we built the right ones.

In terms of career, I realised that I have grown mature over the years.

No longer the timid teacher, I have now turned into a vocal person who speaks out on any dissatisfaction to the higher authorities.

I have started to take in a lot of new challenges, 

and paving new ways in competitions with the aim which is to instill confidence amongst the pupils,

and most importantly, to let people out there know that my school is a good challenger as well.

And from here, I found that, 

I am a workaholic that can't be separated from works, 

and I can only work the best when I have support from my colleagues.

In terms of self development, I realised that time has changed me a lot.

I have grown independent,

and started to pursue what I dreamt of.

I started to pack my belongings and pursue the journey,

and though, I am constantly stopped by my feelings,

I just needed some time to snap back and continue on my journey.

And from here, I found that,

irregardless of how I hated change, change has enveloped my whole being,

and I have indeed a changed person in one way or another.

Last but not least, in terms of relationship, I realised that love doesn't always have to come in pairs.

Love comes in many forms,

and it doesn't have to be flowers or dinner.

It could only be trying to spend the littlest time together,

or even just by lending help at the time when I most needed it.

Love doesn't have to be physically there,

but it could be invisible by just being there to listen,

agree and giving support when I most needed,

Love doesn't necessarily have to be possessed,

it appears at the most unexpected time, and in the most unexpected situation.

And from here, I learnt that,

irregardless of how I wanted, wished, dreamt and hoped for love,

it has always been around me in so many forms,

and it takes me this long to understand,

and to embrace all the loves that have been surrounding me.

Time is beauty.

It will let us see the beauty of life as it ticks,

all we need is to be patient,

and enjoy every ticking moment.

Jenny~

My go-to

I remembered when I was back in IPG, there were a lot of people that I went to when I needed to confide things with them.
I remembered sharing about my happiness and sadness to a few of my trusted friends,
and they would always either give me advice on how to deal with it,
or they would usually try to cheer me up by taking my mind off from it.

I remembered whenever I needed a talk,
all I need is to either go from room to room to find my friends to talk to,
or just a simple text message to my best friend whose always living next door,
and she would open the door,
and then, there we go, talking endlessly about my issue and hers.
Or, when my roommate and I turned off the lights,
that is when we had our endless conversations under our blankets,
talking about relationship issues and things that we witness amongst our friends.

I guess that's the reason that caused me to unable to move on from the past,
I remembered how badly I cried when it was the very few days left to leave IPG.
And how badly I wanted to go back there to reminisce all the memories left behind,
before turning over a new chapter.
There is always that one part of me that I feel has been left behind in Keningau,
and I can't wait for the next trip to reclaim it back.
It was indeed a pity that we didn't make it Keningau during our Deepavali trip due to the unpredictable weather.
As we all are growing up,
my go-to stations become lesser and lesser.
My roommate whom I always confide when it comes to me dealing with relationship,
is now happily married and is expecting soon.
My best friend whose only one call away,
is now happily being called as a wife.

And the thoughts of having lesser go-to somehow made me feel down.
It isn't easy to find a person who I can talk about almost anything,
without feeling being judged.
And it is not easy to find someone who I can be comfortable in talking about everything.
Therefore, I am lucky if I could find another go-to.
A person who understands my needs and wants,
and always there to lend me his/her ears,
and provide comfort and support when I most needed it.

And I wish I have truly found it.

Jenny~

Inside me

Today, I received a really happy news,
where my best friend will be signing her wedding papers today with her beloved husband.
It is an indeed happy event for her,
as she has finally found the one that she really wanted to get married with,
and spending her whole lifetime with,
and I am really happy for her.

But at the same time,
I am actually feeling a little sad,
as I am still trying to accept the fact that my best friend is no longer going to available for me at all time.
Changes are things that I fear the most,
regardless if it's in my career, relationship or friendship.
When I first knew she is getting married,
I was actually depressed as the one and only person whom I knew would stick by my side,
is finally leaving me for to pursue the next step in her journey.
And when I knew that she has signed her legal papers today,
I am happy that she has achieved this dream of hers,
but at the same time,
I am feeling sad as this is finally,
really happening.

I told myself that things will never remain the same,
never remain constant,
will always flow and changes according to time.
I reminded myself,
not to put high hopes on what is happening now,
as it might changes within seconds or minutes,
and always be ready to embrace the upcoming changes.

Therefore, for my best friend,
I wished you all the loves and happiness in this world as you stepped into a new beginning.
May your marriage with the one you have chosen would end happily ever after,
and may I, too, will be able to meet my happy ending soon.

Jenny~

Belated

She sat at the cafe,

looking at the slice of the cake in front of her,

and quietly sang a happy birthday song for herself,

while making her wish, 

blew the candle, 

and started to eat the cake.

She was happy at first,

but slowly,

she turned and looked out at the gloomy sky.

Tears started to run down her cheeks,

as she was eating her cake.

She wiped it away and told herself that it's stupid.

It's stupid to cry when she told herself that she should be strong.

She wiped off her tears,

and looked forward.

Suddenly, she saw a familiar face heading to her table,

with a smile,

and asking if he could accompany her for a while.

She nodded and there they sat,

talking and laughing about all the things they talked about.

After a while,

she stood up and they walked together to the door,

and bid farewell to one another.

As she walked forward,

she looked up and smiled,

behind those gloomy skies, there was a ray of light shining upon her face.

Though it was late,

she appreciated the effort,

the time

and the sincerity.

Jenny~

Birthday

Today is my 26th birthday.
How did it went, you might ask?
Well, the typical birthday that goes for everyone around me would be,
surprise party by friends,
or getting lavished with gifts and presents,
or getting to spend it with their loved ones,
or getting pampered and all.

Mine would be the simplest of all.
I went back to my family's place,
and had they yearly longevity noodles.
Bought my own cake,
placed my own candles,
made a wish, blew the candles off,
and then, that's it.

I guess, as I grew older and older,
birthday slowly turns into another typical day,
where people would leave me nice wishes,
and pleasant text messages,
and that's pretty much of it.

In my younger days,
I would be sad and lament about how my day went.
But now, I don't really feel a thing.
It's okay if my birthday isn't celebrated in a large scale,
or if I didn't get any presents or gifts,
or I didn't have that special one to celebrate with.

All that matters is that I am given another chance to continue to live in this world,
able to spend more time with my family and loved ones,
able to see and witness wonderful moments with my friends,
and able to be surrounded by wonderful people in my life.
I took a long time to realise this,
but I am glad to know that,
it's never the presents or gifts or surprises that I really wanted,
it's when people try to spend at least a little of their time to be with me no matter what's the occasion.
And that is what I call, sweet.

Jenny~

Changes

There are times when I dread changes.
I am a person who is afraid of changes.
Positive changes,
Negative changes,
Anything that changes somehow makes me feel insecure.

Other people are telling me that change is good.
It makes us grow up and be mature.
It helps us to see things in a new perspectives.
And yes, I admit that I am a changed person now.
No longer the old Jenny that thinks of love and relationship at all times,
No longer the old Jenny that tries to do everything that she can,
and no longer the old Jenny that tries to please everyone.

I have changed into a vocal person,
a person that doesn't hide her feelings when she dislike certain ways of working,
or certain attitudes of people.
I have changed into a patient person,
a person that waits for things to happen instead of making it to happen.
I have changed into a person that expect and anticipate lesser and lesser,
a person that no longer waits for people to celebrate her birthday,
but has her own plans if there is really celebration.

And sometimes, I fear of my own changes.
Fear that it would make me feel too independent,
and eventually, lose the innocent thoughts of being in love,
as well as the thoughts of settling down.
Same goes to people around me who are showing good changes.
I am just afraid that all of this are just temporary,
and one day, it will just pop and disappear.
I am afraid in the midst of the happiness that I am going through now,
something will just happen and take away the clouds of happiness,
replacing it with clouds of sadness like what I experienced previously.

Therefore,
I am now embracing all these changes with an open arm,
but with careful thoughts especially towards my feelings,
as I could no longer stand the disappointment,
sadness,
and the pain from falling from high expectations anymore.

Jenny~

Exhausted

It has been an exhausting month for me.
April was supposed to be a month of bliss,
where I would be happily awaiting for my birthday,
and waiting for the next surprise that comes to me.

But I was so caught up with my work,
that I don't really feel the excitement of counting down the days to my birthday.
Endless works,
demands,
deadlines,
documents and files to be submitted to respective people,
endless training for competitions every afternoon,
and with meetings and weekend duties in school,
somehow makes me feel exhausted.

I am mentally and physically fatigued.
Despite how strong am I,
or how willing I am to continue to fight on my way,
these are the times when I just wish I wasn't a workaholic,
someone who doesn't seek for fame and glory,
and just do my part well in teaching.

But I can't do it.
I am pushing myself past my limits,
and this is the time when I really need to sit and just let out all my feelings.
It is exhausting to keep on working so hard,
and coming back to an empty shell,
with no one to talk about how bad my day went.
It is exhausting to keep working so hard,
when no one was supporting me from behind.

It is exhausting,
and I am exhausted.
Am I going to give up just like that?
I can't.
I have pushed myself halfway of this journey,
and whatever it is, I need to keep pushing myself on.

Jenny~

Living in a bubble

She was a girl,

who was sitting at the side of the window,

pondering when will the next person will arrive,

and sweep her feet off.

One day,

the same man came to her table,

offering her the same care,

the same warmth,

and the same attention as before.

She told herself,

all of this is temporary,

that she is now living in the bubble that she has created.

that all the bliss and happiness she is feeling now,

will one day disappear,

when the bubble is popped.

She got up her feet,

pushed the door,

and walked outside, standing under the moonlight.

As she stared at the moon and the twinkling stars,

she remembered her purpose.

She remembered that she has came down from the train,

and that she should continue on her journey,

to not only pursue happiness, but success along the way,

she popped the bubble that floated in front of her,

and smiled.

It is time to move on,

and walk.

Not sit and wait.

And she continued her journey in pursue of the unknown,

and she knows,

if the same man decided to chase after her,

she will always be right in front.

Jenny~

Struggling

It has been a while now,
of going back into reading books, references,
journals and articles.
It doesn't feel the same like in the olden days,
where I get to share and discuss about the materials that were given,
with my neighbours or with my roommate.

And I can say that this new journey isn't easy at all.
It's really tough and this is just the beginning.
I am struggling to keep myself up and about especially when it comes to writing academically.
After being away from something for a long time,
it's really difficult to even start,
and though people were giving me their support and encouragement,
I am indeed struggling to keep at it.

And all I hope that this will end soon,
and that, I am able to pull through this till the end.

Jenny~

A new beginning

Today marks the first day of me living a double life,
a life as a full-time teacher as well as a part time student.
I believe that I did mention about this here and there,
but I have decided to pursue for my Masters in Education (TESL) this year.

Some people asked me why and if I ever get tired of studying,
and the answer is,
yes, I hated the idea of studying and staying up to do assignments,
and wish I could just lie there and not doing anything.
But after what I have went through,
I realised that I have not achieved enough to even make myself proud.
I have nothing to be proud of except for my career that has now become a routine.

I am searching for the old Jenny,
the Jenny that is confident and ready to be in front doing all sorts of presentations,
the Jenny that is always filled with smiles and giggles no matter what hardships she encountered,
and I found it back recently.
I found the girl who has the purest and innocent smiles,
the girl who is confident in whatever she is doing,
the girl who no matter how tired she is, she will continue to take the next step,
and the girl who always wait for the right time instead of chasing and spoiling the next moment.

Therefore, a new beginning is something that I need,
and 2018 is the year to start it off.
I always told my friends that I am a bit too late to come to this decision,
but they have been really supportive,
and because of them,
I decided to pick myself up,
and walked along the path to reach to the next destination.

Therefore, wish me luck dear readers.
That together, you and I will reach the next destination,
as you and I have planned.

Jenny~

Dirty

I remembered clearly when you held my hand without my permission,
I thought I was fine with it,
but I was not.

I remembered clearly how all your words bring my values down,
I thought it was normal,
but it was not.

I remembered how u came to my home late at night despite of me saying I am off to bed,
and u forced me to come out,
and u opened and entered my place without my permission,
and hugged me from behind,
asking me to do the same thing to you as well,
I thought I was okay,
but I was not.

I remembered how u kept calling me and forced me to do video call with you,
and you kept wanting to see my room,
and you kept on saying things that makes me uncomfortable,
and kept on showing me your face up close,
and showing me your lips with the intention of wanting to kiss me,
I thought I was okay with it,
but I was not.

I remembered how you always talk to me with that tone,
how you always touch me whenever you talked to me,
how you sit so near to me when we are not in any relationship,
how you try to stop me from chasing my dreams,
how you make me feel unwanted if I gave up on you,
I thought I would be okay,
but I am not.

To the guy who made me feel this way,
I thought I would be okay and could build a friendship with you,
but you made me so dirty,
you made me feel unwanted,
you made me feel worse about myself,
and right now, all I want is to prove to you,
and to myself, that you are not meant for me at all.

You made me dirty,
and I will pick myself up and make sure I am clean,
from all the things you have done to me.

Jenny.

Scared to fall

I always thought I am ready for a relationship,
always thought I am ready for a long life commitment when the time has come,
ready to be called someone's wife and build a family,
like what most of my friends are doing currently,
I always thought I was ready,
until one day I realised that I wasn't.

The incident with the man has brought me to realise that I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready to fall in love after going through heartbreaks after heartbreaks,
I wasn't ready to lose the freedom that I have obtained after struggling with myself,
I wasn't ready to walk the next step ahead with another man whom I was sure I was not in love with,
I wasn't ready to let go of the baggage of memories with another person.
and I wasn't mentally prepared to be in a relationship.

I am scared.
As I grew older, I became timid with the word relationship.
I am scared that I am just wasting my time with a person whose not for me.
I am scared that it wouldn't turn out like what I hoped it would be.
I am scared that I would give too much and eventually, get broken again.
I am scared to fall,
and hurt again.

And because of that,
I slowly find that being alone is fun,
being alone lets me do the things that I want,
and being alone lets me find the peace that I have longed for.
Yes, I do want to be with someone,
but I am scared.
I am filled with doubts and what-ifs,
and I am feeling insecure after all the stuffs I have went through.

I never had a happy ending in my relationship,
therefore,
will I ever find the happy ending that was supposed to be mine?
Hold my hand.
Push me to fall,
and be there to catch me when I do,
because it could be the last one that I will ever fall again.

Jenny~

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day was a week ago,
and here I am, writing a belated post about it.

Valentine's Day is a a day that was specially dedicated for couples, married or in a relationship,
to celebrate the presence of another significant person in their lives.
A day where the females will be lavished with big bouquets of roses,
boxes after boxes of chocolates,
expensive branded gifts,
and a lot of sweet words as well as promises from their significant halves.

That's how I look at Valentine's Day for the past few years.
Valentine's Day should be done like this, like that,
and it should be a day where the singles like me should stay at home,
binge watching dramas,
and cry myself to sleep because I just don't have another half to lavish me with all those stuffs,
while scrolling on IG and Facebook, envying why they are so lucky and I'm not.

That was in the past.
This year, I don't take heed of Valentine's Day.
Nor do I wished anyone a Happy Valentine's Day.
And the main reason was,
we don't need a specific day to celebrate the bonds that we have created with people around us.
We don't a specific day to show our loves to other people,
nor do we need to use materials to prove our loves.
All we need is their companionship,
and time.

And I am lucky that I was surrounded by people that I love and love me during that day,
which were my family, and friends who constantly made sure that I am being heard.
Therefore, go and celebrate Valentine's Day,
but don't be sad if you don't have another half to celebrate with.
Always remember that there is always that someone whose like you,
waiting to meet the special you,
and walk along the path together.
Happy belated Valentine's Day to all of you, dear readers.

lots of love,
Jenny~

No regrets

As she sat at her favourite spot at the cafe,
she stared at the dark clouds hovering around,
bringing little glimpses of lights there and then,
and she took out her journal.

She started to write about all the things that have happened to her so far,
she remembered how a man who suddenly approached her table one afternoon,
and talked to her about a lot of things,
and she thought she found a new friend when things went awry.
She remembered how the man profess his feelings to her after a day of meeting her,
and how he brought her around to town,
and kept touching her without her permission.

She thought she would get used to this,
she thought that this what she had wished for,
and she also thought this would go far,
but it didn't.
She didn't feel happy,
she was uncomfortable,
she felt burdened and sad the whole time without knowing the real reason.
She thought it was because of her unwillingness to let go her baggage,
but it wasn't.

Her body was telling her that this was not it.
Eventually, she ended the tie as fast as how it started,
and she has no regrets.
As she stared back at the people around the cafe,
she realised that she needed her own life.
She had been thinking about others for the past few years,
and forgot to take care about her own heart.
She had been depending on others to bring her happiness,
and forgot that only she can make herself happy at the end of the day.

She wants to be with herself at this moment,
and she can't stand the idea of being with a man who though loves her a lot,
she doesn't love him,
and always wanting for more.
She was afraid to let go,
but she knows if she stayed on, she will be the one who will suffer.

And as she placed her cup of latte down,
she closed her journal,
stood up,
took her coat and went out of the little cafe.
She stared at the little rays of lights among the dark clouds,
and told her little heart to be patient,
and she will, one day, find someone whom will make her stay.
While waiting, she continued her journey to pursue her own happiness.

Jenny~

Decision made

For the past 10 days,
I have gotten myself into a tangled mess,
and all I could blame was myself.

Meeting a guy who hasn't know anything about me,
and getting confession in less than 2 days,
and being treated like a girlfriend with holding hands, unwanted hugs,
and being laden with loads of sweet words and all,
has been an unintentional burden.

I lied to myself,
I thought I could give this a chance,
I thought I could develop my feelings,
and I thought I could start a relationship,
but it didn't.

Therefore, decision was made.
I bid goodbye,
and wishing for a friendship,
and continue to move on this journey on my own,
to pursue the unknown,
to seek for the real happiness out there,
while enjoying this journey.

Will I regret this?
I won't, because I know I wouldn't happy if I have forced myself.
I'm sorry,
if we are meant to be,
we will be together one day.

Jenny~

Conflicted

Things happen for a reason.
At the time when I felt so comfortable being alone,
at the time when I felt like I can do anything on her own,
at the time I felt the freedom of only thinking for myself,
things start to happen.

I met with this man during a course,
unknowingly became a friend,
and now became someone's favourite.
All of this happened within three days.
Everyone around me are telling me that this is crazy,
and even I myself find that all this is really crazy.

And as we went out for dinner and a walk at places that I didn't expect,
I kept thinking to myself on what to do.
I kept asking myself, if this is really it?
Is this really happening that I finally found a man whose ready to give me all I have wanted,
a man who loves me more than I do,
someone whom will hold my hand and bring me forward,
instead of letting go in the middle.

As I was contemplating,
his image appeared in my head.
I am conflicted inside,
 to continue to wait for something that might or might not happen at all,
or,
let go of the past and give this a chance.
Tell me what to do.

Jenny.

Checklist

Being single.
I remembered how I hated having this label,
and wished to be labeled as someone's girlfriend,
or in a relationship,
or someone's significant person,
or eve seeing someone.
But it never happened after that one relationship that I consider as a lesson.

Hence, I trained myself to try to be independent.
Back in my IPG days, I trained myself to go to church on my own every Sunday,
took a mini bus (van) and shopped for grocery,
went to airport and catching flight on my own,
and doing little things here and there by myself.
At that time, though I was doing everything on my own,
honestly speaking,
I wished someone else was there doing it with me.

When I got posted to Miri,
its somehow back to the olden days,
where everything needs to be done on my own.
Therefore, when I met someone who has similar liking with me,
I clung on to him and only did things if he was with me,
and felt depressed if I'm not the one whose doing it with him.

Emotional swings has got me changed into someone that I no longer knew.
Therefore, 2018 was a big turning point for myself.
A chance for me to start over again,
and a chance for me to be independent again.
This brings me to make a checklist.
A checklist of things to do on my own which I used to do with someone else.
And it started with having coffee and dessert at a new place,
watching movie on my own,
taking flight on my own,
and managing my own emotional beings.

My only hope is that this year, I would be able to find back the Jenny,
the Jenny that is always smiling,
always filled with excitement when seeing hot guys,
always fangirling over handsome actors and singers,
the Jenny that is confident and never gives up on things that she knows she can do it.
and the Jenny that patiently waits for the right person at the right time.

Jenny~

At a cafe

She stares out from her window,

sipping her hot coffee,

and listening to the sound of the rain.

How long has it been after the train has left?

How long has it been for her in this once unfamiliar town, 

now slowly turned into a little home for her?

She had lost track of time as she had been exploring each part of the little town.

As she was sipping her cup of coffee,

she saw a birthday cake on a table.

A cute couple entered the cafe,

with the male holding a bouquet of roses,

and the lady was holding a present.

She realised that it was also someone's big day too.

She would never forget that date.

It has been etched in her mind ever since she met him.

She remembered the first time they celebrated it together,

and his face when he received her presents.

She smiled when she played back all those memories,

and looked outside.

She wished she was there at the moment,

but she knew that it was impossible.

She didn't feel sad,

she feel happy,

as she knows that he is happy as well regardless of where he is,

who he is with,

and what he is doing.

She took a book that she has handmade on her own during her time on the train,

wrapped it carefully,

walked towards the counter,

and asked the man to help her send it off,

to the person who she knows,

will be delighted to receive. 

Jenny~

Eyes on me

These few days, I have came across with a song sung by Faye Wong entitled, "Eyes on Me".

For those whose really into anime, I believe you would know which anime has this theme song, right?

But for those who don't really watch anime, this theme song appeared in Final Fantasy,

which I never watched.

Nevertheless, I came across this song through my recommended playlist in Youtube,

and when I listened to the lyrics,

I immediately smiled as I thought back about the person whom I first laid my eyes upon,

as well as the first person who have made me feel, 

for once,

the luckiest girl on Earth.

I believed I did talk about this person in my old posts,

but to be able to remember every single detail about him,

his voice,

his smile, 

the way he stared and looked for me,

feels like it had only happened yesterday.

I could still remember how he trembled when he held my hand,

and I innocently thought how clumsy this man was.

And I could still remember how he would always be searching for me,

everytime I entered the place,

and smiled shyly towards me.

I could still remember how my friends would usually teased me,

saying that he really liked me by the way he acted,

and how I never believe in them as I was not how I look right now,

and he was my dream guy which I could only dreamed of.

But there was one night when all of us headed for dinner,

and eventually, ended around 8pm where I was pretty sure he wouldn't be at the same place,

and I would go back home without able to take a glimpse of him.

We were walking with our umbrellas when my roommate shouted to me,

and pointed at him.

That moment was a moment I wished I could replay it again and again.

But good moments never lasted,

when out of nowhere, he had disappeared,

and I got into a relationship.

And after 2 years of relationship where things were cracking between us,

I met him again.

And he was still the same, smiling shyly to me,

and always trying to catch up with me whenever Mass has ended.

But one day, he disappeared,

and since then until now, I wished I was given just one more chance to meet him again,

and asked, how has he been?

before letting go of the man whom was a stranger,

a stranger who appeared at my weakest point,

a stranger who kept me hopeful,

and a stranger who have made me feel the prettiest and always appreciated.

Thank you, Mr. Stranger.

Hope to meet you one day.

Jenny~ 

Freeing herself

She woke up to a sudden halt on her journey.
Rubbing her eyes and looking outside the window,
she found that her train has stopped at a little town crowded with people and children running around,
she packed up her suitcase, pushed all her books into another case and went down the train.

For the first time, she felt that the air was so sweet and the sun was gorgeous for the day.
She has finally decided to bid goodbye to the train who brought her all along to this little town.
She stared at the strange and yet friendly faces around her,
and she too another step forward.
And she turned around at the passengers who have went up to the train,
reminiscing the time when she too,
was like one of them,
forever trying to catch the right train, hop aboard and sat next to the window,
just watching the time flies, and her life pass.

Today, she made an important decision.
She has decided to set her foot down on this strange but yet, pretty little town,
and seek for her own happiness.
She has decided that it is now time for her to free herself from the shackles of loneliness,
from the grasps of sadness,
and the desperate feelings to be understood and embraced by others.
She has decided that she would go and pursue her own happiness,
by walking on her own,
experiencing things that she never even dared to try before,
and finally, feel free.

She put on her hat,
bid goodbye to the train silently in her heart,
turned around,
held her head up high,
and while smiling to the friendly strangers around her,
she continued on her journey to pursue for her success,
and happiness.

Jenny~

1.01.2018

Welcome to the new year, readers!
Happy New Year to all and here's to wishing all you many happy returns in your life!
I started the day by lazing myself on the bed till 10am, thinking of how I really deserve to sleep for a couple more hours before the next day, which is going to be a working day.
And I went out for lunch with my male friend which surprised me with a lot of souvenirs from his trip.
And I felt like a small kid again when I uncovered one by one the things he got me during the trip.
I guessed the most shocking part was when the next present was a storybook that I have been looking for since last year, "The Little Prince".
I was really touched when I saw the book and didnt believe that the book is finally in my hand,
and thanks to him, I got it. #thankyousomuch
It was nice hanging out, chatting about what we are going to be doing for 2018,
where I am more inclined to work and studies,
while he is going off for more trips with his friends and family.
Anyways, I'm happy that things remained friendly between us,
and hope it remains that way.

And now, back to my working space blogging about how I spent the day,
and not forgetting, my resolutions for this year are:

1. To be happy and expect less
2. To be healthy and eat less
3. To enjoy each day as it passes.

Simple and meaningful.
Hopefully I could keep up these resolutions till the end of the 2018.
Here's to a meaningful and happier year for me and you.

Jenny.