The Longest Post (I think....)

Today is 31^st December 2014,

A date that signify the end of a good year, 2014,

That also signify a new beginning for me into a new life, new routine, new people, and maybe new feelings after all.

Throughout the year 2014, I went through a lot.

The good and bitter memories,

Building and breaking of strings,

Remembering and forgetting memories,

Meeting and avoiding certain people,

I went through turbulences of four major things, Experience. Memories. People. Feelings.

        Experience

-          Being in a campus for five and a half years, experience is the most valuable thing that I have gained. Able to learn new things, new skills, and to identify the most valuable potential that I have is something that I experienced in 2014. Able to look into me and my needs plus wants also help me to keep experiencing things and learn from them. These experiences brought me up and change me, my perspectives and my views about almost everything.

Memories

-          Memories. They never left actually. The laughter I had with my friends, my rumet and with people I hung out were the best memories. The tears I had all alone under my blankets were also the bitter memories that I still remember.  The fluttering feelings of seeing a good looking guys and the teases that arose from my friends still makes me feel fluttery and smiling. But the breaking feelings of seeing someone once so close now became a stranger also still breaks and left me wondering, where was that person I knew been? Meeting new people and became close makes me smile. But avoiding them when they became a stranger sometimes breaks me. But everything is what I call memories, where I can never dwell in it. Only for the sake of reminiscing it is already enough.

People

-          People. The good one. The bad ones. The funny ones. The pretending ones. The strong ones. The good but bad ones. The bad but good ones. And the ones I fall in and out. These people decorated my life in campus. And in 2014, I was friends with these people. But I realised, caring about these people doesn’t make me a saint. Doesn’t make me happy. But only create negative me when I don’t get the same thing in return. And thus, a new me was reborn. The one who protects herself a lot. The one who still could smile despite not having anyone beside her. The one who could walk alone in life. The one who still care but not getting the same things in return no longer hurt. That’s the one I am now slowly turning into.

Feelings

-          Feelings. Particularly love? Yes, 2014 was filled with love. Love to my friends, the church, and family. How bout particular one person? Yes, I do in 2014. Ending was? The train left without me knowing and I didn’t get to buy the entrance ticket. I guess I have to wait for another train at another station next year. Do I regret? I don’t. If I have bought the entrance ticket and head towards the train, I might get into another accident in which I don’t know if I still could walk after that. But what if taking the train would be my happy ending? It will never be a happy ending. Don’t ask me how I know. I just know.

To end this post, I wanna say Goodbye to my campus in Keningau. You have given me the most wonderful experiences, as well as the worst memories. But after all, you will always be remembered. And I will be back there, but this time, as an ex-student and as a visitor. Last but not least, I shall end this post by officially closing the chapters in 2014, and preparing myself for another fresh post in 2015.

Happy New Year 2015!  Signing off from 2014,

Jenny~

Ho...Ho...Ho...

From the title itself, 
all of you know the content would be about ....
CHRISTMAS!
Still not too late to wish all of you a Merry merry and blessed Christmas!
hehe..
Hope all you spent it either with your families or loved ones..
As for me, I spent it with my family despite several things happening at home..
But then again, with prayers and blessings from God, I am pretty sure things will be ok again.. hehe..
And I just opened my Facebook and yeah,
typical common notifications,
weddings!

Well, to those who got married,
I am so happy for you!
May your marriage be blessed and your love will last till death you apart.. 
And to those whose engaged,
get married fast!
Who knows what turbulence you two might face amidst all the busy preparations.. 
and to those whose still single like me,
love the status first and things will happen to fall in the right place..
like me!
I mean, i am loving the status and still awaiting for things to fall in the right place..

Anyways, just received notification about results!
Well, basically I have went through three BIG things this year which are namely:
1. SPP interview
2. Final exams
3. Posting (determine my future and future partner... hhaha on the latter part)

Therefore, the first result came out and ....
I passed!
The perfect Christmas gift ever..
So now, still keeping my finger-crossed for the next two.. May these two be another good surprises to end this year.. =)

Jenny~

11.11

Beautiful date indeed.
11.11.
And i just knew from facebook as well as google that is the Singles' Awareness Day..
And so, big shout-out to the singles including me,
HAPPY SINGLES' DAY to all the singles!
Have you given a gift for yourself?
Or maybe go pampering yourself all alone?
Or maybe have a fine dining on your own?
Well, if you haven't, I haven't too!
But i guess, the best gift to give myself is to be happy and blocking all negative thoughts from overpowering me.
hehe..

Anywayz, it has another meaning too.
I mean the date.
It also a day for the couples to profess their love to their "only one".
So, couples.
You know what you should do.
hehe..
So, I guess that's it..
For those married or in a relationship, hope you are happy with you "one and only one", not only today, but every single day of your life.
For the singles and seeking for someone right now and then, all the best and I pray for your success. Seek one not because he/she is handsome of pretty, but because of that spark!
And for myself, I wish myself to be happy regardless of my status and continuously pursue happiness in various forms of love. 

Jenny~

To You!

Ok, this is a super late birthday post..
But shout-out to my crazy friend for 5 long years, happy belated birthday!
Thanks for being such a crazy friend I had,
with your crazy ideas and opinions,
as well as the crazy sharing that we had when you are in your "that moment"..
hahaha..
being in this friendship with you for 5 long years isn't easy,
and though we do argue and i might have done things that might have offended you,
i am still glad we are still crazy like we usually do..
and now, i wish you all the best in everything you are doing...
whether it's about your life, friendship, love or whatever it is,
do things that make you happy each day,
think before you jump into actions,
and always remember to be happy...
hahaha...
and yes, i support your decisions despite all the lectures that i seriously love to give.. 
but at the end of the day, you got me by the side when you need me..
teehee.. 
Happy Belated Birthday again, crazy friend! =D

WONGFU Production coming to Tokyo!

Ok, so whose WongFu Production anyways?
Well, I think I did mention this previously but here we go again,
they are made up of 3 American Born Chinese and has been producing wonderful, funny videos about love, friendship and relationship..
And I got hooked up with them since they are just so funny and interesting people..
And, Phil (one of the guys) posted that they are coming over to Tokyo's Youtube office,
and they are going to hold a fan meeting there!
Ok, I am in Malaysia and Tokyo is like really far away..
But, I somehow took the chance to fill in the form given and see whether I am lucky enough to get a pass to meet them..
I mean, even if I get doesnt mean I can go right?
But nothing wrong with trying, right?

So, I filled up the form..
and this morning, checked my mail..
AND I GOT THE PASS!
Ok, excited!!! No, super excited!!
But, unluckily it falls on this weekend,
and even if i want to go, there is no flights available..
so yeah, saddddddd~~~~~
But, this somehow shows me that I am indeed lucky.. haha..
Anywayz, I hope that they would come over to Malaysia again like previous years,
and hopefully at that time, I would be able to attend their meet-ups and see them in person! 
GO WONGFU!

Jenny~

1 more to go

Just completed the utmost important interview of my life, SPP interview!
Well, for your information, it's somehow like an interview for job..
wait, it is actually!
So, preparation was made and finger-crossing was done,
and thank God, the interview went well.
I could say that i have tried my best despite the stuttering here and there due to nervousness!
But, I did answer all the questions with my group members and though I do not dare to put high hopes, I do hope that all of us are able to pass with flying colours for this interview..
So now, one more to go..
Final exams!
3 papers and then, goodbye campus,
and then it would be another new world that I am entering again..
And the cycle will start anew again..
sigh.
but, despite everything, hopefully things will turn out well. =)

Jenny~

Two.

So, MQA has just been completed..
And thank God, all the hard works and tears really paid off..
Our IPG was declared one of the best in terms of document displays,
and thankfully, all the time spent in arranging and re-arranging the documents were well spent..
and also, I was flattered to be complimented by the panels of the MQA based on the answers I gave during the interview session.
It was something that i held on and proud of, since I did not speak much during the interview..
This is the thing that motivated me,
motivated me to be someone even better,
to emulate their steps and be someone like them too in the future..
I guess I indeed work better under the influence of compliments..
Not that I love to be complimented all the time, but receiving deserving compliments really motivate me.. hehee...

And of course sharing with my parents,
makes me felt even proud of what i had received,
and sharing with them ans having their support for me to keep moving forward,
and not stuck being a teacher,
makes me felt really motivated after all.
But when dad reminded me not to forget my search of the other half,
I got blank..
and that will be on the next part of this blog.. hehe..
anywayz, two more to go.
SPP interview and final exams!
Wish me luck for both ya.. =)

Jenny~

thank you

Has not been updating this blog for quite some time.

Put the blame on MQA for taking so much of my "me-time" as well as making me tired and stressed out physically and mentally,

which basically equates to adding fats into my body..

And yes, i am fat now.. sheesh!!

anywayz, wont be talking about that instead.

I mean, talking about fats in my belly wouldn't make much changes to me after all.

Gotta find a way to eliminate them!

Anywayz, back to the topic.

Why thank you?

Have I not thanked someone today?

I did.

And I wanna thank another person again,

Its Him.

Thank You for letting me hear things that will now cease me from developing weird feelings again.

Thank You for opening my eyes to see why I should be glad to be the one who got away.

Thank You for reminding me that You only take away those people who are not worth it from my sides.

And thank You, for letting me see how love could drive a person evil and heartless.

And last but not least, thank You for the strength. Without You, I would have stuck in the same place.

And now by clarifying up things that have been on my mind for quite some time, I finally able to see the lights.

I am now able to tell myself that looking back is a no-no to me, and that it is stupid to do so.

because, at the end of the day, i whom got away is now living in a better situation than you who still dwells in darkness..

I wish you would get out from it soon too. But if not, it's now no longer my concern.

Jenny~

Lucky.

Lucky is a word that I have been using always,
whenever I see good things happening to others and not on me,
I would say,
"Aawww, ur so lucky!"
whenever good things happen to me and people were giving me praises,
I would say,
"Aawww, I was just lucky!"

But does everything really happen because that someone is lucky or I am lucky?
Does people get into relationship with someone good because he or she is lucky?
Does people who earned awards and recognitions because he or she is lucky?
Does people who always get high grades in their exams is because he or she is lucky?

It took me a while to realise this fact,
until a friend of mine came to me and told me she was selected to represent the campus for a competition,
And I found myself instead of saying that she is lucky,
I told her she deserved the rights to enter that competition,
at that right moment, it struck me that not everything happens out of luck.
It happens because of the efforts, time and patience given on it.
She deserves the rights to be chosen for the competition because of her endless efforts, passions, time spent and her patience in completing her research.
And that is something I envy as well as wanted to build in me.
To be honest,
I wanted to take part in that competition as well,
I wanted to stand in front and take the spotlight, making myself the center of attention,
but I didnt put in the efforts, passions, time as well as patience like my friend.
And because of that, she totally deserves it.

Thus, I taught myself,
Things does not happen because someone is too lucky or because luck was not on one's side.
Things happen because it is us who put our utmost efforts in making things happen.
By putting efforts and time, things will eventually come our way.
I might not be able to join this time,
but I believe that opportunities are always there.
I just have to work harder a bit and make sure I make the fullest use of my talent.
And for my friend, I wish you all the best in the competition and I anticipate your sharing after you are back from it. Am so excited for you! You deserve it. ^_^

Jenny~

My brothers and sisters

I realised that I rarely talked about my brothers and sisters in this blog,
And it is selfish not to do so,
Therefore, here we go.. ^^

Those people that you can see in this picture is my five long years of brothers and sisters plus dad (my lecturer right there.. hahaha..) ..
Each one of them has their own unique personality,
They have those parts where I could remember the best,
those parts that I could always imitate,
the way they talk, take selfies or even the way they dress are something that all of us know by heart right now..
Even though there are times where we get annoyed with one another,
pissed off with one another,
unable to achieve agreement with one another,
and always having those silent wars or fights with one another,
at the end of the day,
we are still one.
and because of that, I never regretted choosing this path..
This path showed me a lot of things, the good ones and the bad ones,
This path showed me my talent and helped me to change my perception about life, love and friendship.
And if i return back to five years before, 
I would still pick this path.
Thank you, wonderful brothers and sisters..
We still have less than two months to be with together,
Let's make full use of these two months and create unforgettable memories!
=)

Jenny~

Done!

Finally,

completed my thesis presentation during the seminar,

and I actually able to overcome my nervousness that time!

I had done my presentation on my action research,

and I was glad that I was able to keep calm and did it well,

despite several factors that might have caused a little distraction,

but thank God, everything went well..

From these two days, i discovered a lot about myself.

I found that despite I am talentless in music, singing, dancing, doing crafts or whatsoever,

I found that presentation skills is somehow a talent to me,

being able to stand in front of people and share what I know,

made me felt excited instead of being nervous.

I was not scared, instead wished I have more time to share what I have done to people.

And I can say that, if i was given more time, I can do better.

I also learnt that,

sometimes when past haunts us,

instead of being distracted or feeling sad about those reminiscence,

I felt motivated and even more confident.

Not that it injected me with support or motivation,

but instead,

it made me felt that I should do even better,

show that I am good,

and last but not least, show that i have changed.

I grew up and I wanna thank to whoever that "forced" me to do so.

Because of you, I became someone I never knew I could be. =)

Jenny~

almost there.

I can say that I am almost there.
Almost reaching to the end of my studies..
By completing the hurdles that I have listed in my previous post, I would be there already.
And out of sudden, I felt like reflecting the past 5.5 years here.
From strangers to close-knitted friends,
From strangers to close lecturers who loves all of us like their own kids,
From strangers to people whom I knew,
From a strange place to a familiar place,
And lastly,
From a stranger to lover and now, stranger. 

This 5.5 years taught me a lot,
opened my eyes a lot,
let me see how people are,
both when they need and dont need you.
i was also able to see people,
people that loves me and those who dont.
but still, they are the ones who taught me,
that no one can be trusted.
No one would stay.
Everyone would leave one day.

Not only that, workloads, lectures,
taught me to be responsible,
taught me to see my career in another perspectives,
and most importantly,
shape me into someone I should be in the future.
Integrity is the theme for today's post,
But how many of us could do the right things at all time?
At the end of the day,
it is us who have to decide.
Decide to do the right thing not only in our career, 
but in life.
Coz at the very end, we only have us to help ourselves.

Jenny.

Seminar

Well, seminar.

What does seminar has to do with me?

AS some of you whose been in touch with this blog, I am now in my final semester..

and within, two more months, I will be out of this campus,

and eventually entering the world where people start to do similar things,

work, earn money and survive.

Anywayz, in order to get to that stage,

there are still so much more to be completed.

Seminar where I am required to present my action research paper,

SPP interview where it is a must to pass in order to get posted as a teacher,

MQA where all folios and stuffs must be well known, and it will somehow make us as the main sample to determine whether the whole TESL programme deserves to be accredited or not.

Courseworks which are still pending,

Exams which is a must to get through

and finally, the final product of Action Research..

So, can you see how much more things to be completed within two months?

No wonder, my head is filled with works and works,

and thanx to all those things,

my white hairs are coming out again, like seriously.

Anywayz, hoping that the seminar presentation will go on well next week.

Excited to present, however nervous with whom am i gonna get to evaluate me.

But nevertheless, I am confident (but not over-confident) with my presentation skills and I am going to boost myself up (coz i still have flaws here and there) on this part.

At least I can entrust myself to do well in this part.

My latest motto: No one could help me instead of myself. Therefore, love myself, do good to myself and always stay strong.

Jenny~

Vacation

For the past week which was coincide with the school holidays,
I actually decided to go for a short vacation with my classmates..
We went to Malacca and KL,
and going to these places taught me a lot,
open my eyes and having different perceptions about life and reality.

Well, first stop, Malacca..
It's a nice place filled with tourists from everywhere,
and the streets are usually packed with people..
There is no single time that the streets are empty except during the wee hours..
There is a lot of historical places in which I got to see in real life aside from only referring to the textbooks.
And it is quite interesting, but unluckily, the journey in which we traveled by foot is another excruciating experience..
Having to walk from one place to another, and with very limited time given,
it was super exhausting and to be honest, I didnt get to have the most fun out of it..
Did I add on that the weather played around with us too?
But, I love Malacca,
It is somehow another destination that I would like to re-visit again in the future with my family especially my sister whom doesnt get a chance to travel yet,
and maybe one of the destinations that I would like to spend my time with someone significant to me,
but that is another thing.

Next stop, KL.
It's busy, hot, packed with people and filled with weird people..
Ranging from tourists packed in shopping complex to unsound people who are sleeping at staircases and streets..
This is the reality of Malaysia that KL has to show to me,
and made me felt like I do not want to stay at that place.
I guess I was not used to it.
Not used to how fast things happen,
how packed are the monorails or LRT,
how money were spent like river flowing,
how people interacted with one another,
how PDA was performed right in your face,
and also how the reality it is there.

I guess being at my own hometown in Sarawak is much better,
At least I know my geography and history well,
and would not ask whether someone from Sarawak or Sabah comes from Malaysia. (seriously happened during my vacation.)
Anywayz, pictures will be uploaded in my facebook or instagram as I somehow dont really believe in the blogger's privacy..
Well, that's all for my vacation.
Will be sharing what i went through emotionally during my vacation and post-vacation here soon.
As a whole, it's a wonderful bonding time and memories created will always be cherished. =)

Jenny~

Water.

When my dad accompanied me to my campus five years back,

We were all gathered with all the other parents and students in a hall.

We talked about the future and the most important thing was the director told all the parents about the water shortage that have been bugging the campus for years.

And that was five years ago.

During the whole five years in this campus, 

water shortage became from a rare item into a norm.

There is no longer the element of surprise waking up in the morning, and realised that there is no water.

Coz basically we have been trained to get used to it.

And yet lecturers could come and say to us that these are all the challenges that we will face if we get posted in rural areas.

In which, I now know how precious water is and yes, it must be even more challenging and difficult for teachers in rural areas to get water especially clean supply of it.

But one day, while calling my dad and complaining like usual as a girl who still thinks that water shortage is ok but not in the critical moment like when she is having diarrhea (this sentence is too long!),

my dad said,

"Already five years and still no changes. Dont know where all those money go."

And that struck my mind,

How can water pipes can be fixed and damaged just like that?

We just fixed it weeks ago, and now you're telling me its broken?

Is it made of glass?

Somehow, though I could only complain endlessly, but i chose not to.

What's the point?

Will the superior even look at me and listen to me, a normal trainee teacher?

Instead of complaining, I tried to learn and make full use of this "special" experiences.

I mean who knows where I could be posted next year, right?

So, when life gives you lemon, take it and make lemon pies instead.. 

teehee..

Jenny~

after us.

So, one of my favourite youtubers, WongFu Production has released this new video entitled, "After Us" and I believe that everyone should really go and have a watch on that.. 
Especially those who are or have went through break-ups.
It basically displayed how one went through a break-up,
how one moved from one stage to another and why some couldn't move from it.
But at the end of the day, it is not about finding someone new to complete that missing piece in life,
it is about finding someone new in us to make us feel complete.

When I watched the video, I thought I would remember back those feelings again,
those warmth and memories which would have strangled me all this while and make me cry,
But the otherwise happened.
I can't remember how does it felt being held on or hugged,
I can't feel back those feelings in the past,
mainly because I guess I got over it?
I cant remember the memories anymore and didn't cry because of that already.
Instead, I cried at the point where it says that its ok to fall back a few steps,
because at the end of the day, we could continue moving and be strong.
And that's the point, I cried. badly.
not because I was sad, but because watching it makes me feel like looking at myself going through all this thing, 
and it make me felt touched that at the end of the day, I was able to pull myself up and become strong as depicted in the video.

I guess, I don't need one yet to complete the missing piece in me.
I just need one to show me which part of me is still missing.

Jenny~

Actresses

Sometimes, i deem myself as the best actress.
I dont show my true self to everyone,
I act according to the situation,
I act based on the people i hang out with.
Not because i hate them or whatsoever,
but sometimes, acting helps me not to hurt people's feelings,
or getting on their nerves.

But, it got so scary facing with other "best" actresses or actors too,
the ones who would smile to you,
and then stab you at the back.
the ones who talked good words into you,
and then stab you at the back.
the ones who would do nice things to you,
and then stab you at the back.

For people who knows me,
You might think I am vulnerable,
but i am strong enough to know the truth.
I might not be able to change 100%,
but once i figured out what went wrong, i tried my best to do what is right.
And if u dont tell me,
i wont know.
and that is what i call selfish.
I am angry with people like this,
but i believe in the statement that goes as follows,
do good to others, and expect the same in return.
do bad to others, and expect double in return.

Jenny~

speaking it out.

Those who knows me, 
know that I never say things out.
Instead, I keep it all up, bottled and sealed properly.
Main reason?
No one would get hurt from doing it.

But, today
I expressed my thoughts and feelings.
And the feeling?
It was good.
And make me thought twice,
on whether I should start doing this repeatedly..
But I guess not,
sometimes not telling might kill me inside,
but when there is no need to do so,
i prefer to let it flow in me and eventually washed up.

Anywayz, I could only wish that for this upcoming 4 months,
all of us could work together harmoniously to overcome all the obstacles,
interview, mqa, assignments, thesis, seminar and lots more,
without fights again or violent confrontation.
sometimes, in this types of situations,
i felt as if i am the eldest in the class when i am the youngest.
but will be blogging on that soon..
teehee..
for now, #ilovemyclassmates 

Jenny~

people

people.
people comes in many forms,
they could be one of the best actresses or actors,
they could also be someone whose being themselves at all times.
but sometimes,
i wonder,
why am i so unlucky to meet with people who acts for their own selfishness?
How could they be so selfish, concealing what they know for their own advantages?
and it just made me felt so betrayed at the end of the day.

When being asked and you answered,
and eventually someone told you that they have done it, or they have did it..
someone told you at the very last minute that they want this and that.
or even worse, they didnt say anything at all..
and made you stand there being criticised by others...
and affecting your grades..
how could they be so despicable in their actions?
should i be like that too as i am also one of those kinds of actresses?
should i treat them like how they treat me too?
if i said yes, would things be in my way?
and if i said no, would things eventually work out well?
sigh.
in this world, there is nothing that is scarier than human beings.

Jenny~

friends.

friends.

the next closest human beings other than our family members.

somehow, i dont really have any exciting or sad stuffs to blog about.

and yet, i feel like this blog is so empty,

so yeah, gotta fill it in with this,

my friend,

the one who go crazy and random with me at all times.

and since, i have not been uploading pics since several months back (due to safety issue that people might use it for other purposes),

i decided to start back on putting pics in my blog post starting with this one first,

since pictures could convey what we want to say in just one image..

hehe..

so tell me, what might these pictures convey to you? =)

two weird people taking weird selfies.

Jenny~

marriage

ok, i think i am in the right age to blog about this..
hahaha..
anywayz, marriage?
a super big word but yet i can see most of my friends and cousins, mutual and close ones are getting married one after another.
and the next question which was asked by my parents (constantly) was...
yesh, u guessed it!
when is my turn?
their usual conversations start like this:

Mom: Ei, you know, your cousin is getting married next year.
Me : And then?
Mom: ya lah, when is your turn la? When you wanna find a guy and get married la? dont wan to lose to them leh?
Me: (speechless).. Mi, i dont have boyfriend, how to kahwin la if like this? hahaha... Good la they getting married. The point is to see if they can tahan or not nia mah..
Mom: ya lah but still, u gotta find one ah and get married ah.. I am not supporting your expenses after u posted..
Me: ya ya, change topic..

So, there you go.
I wonder if my mom still remembers if i am currently still in my final years or not..
I mean who doesnt want to find a right guy, fall head over heels with him, get proposed and settle down?
I want to but the more i think about it, the more i feel i am not ready yet.
Not ready to work my ass off for a guy,
and the main reason is because i have not found that particular guy to work on just yet..
Marriage and relationship for me now seems quite a distance,
all i could do is to pray,
pray that the particular guy whom would work hard for me and make me dare to take the first step in working it out appears,
sometime, somewhere, somehow.
Amen.

Jenny~

back to life

Raya just passed,
and yes, i went back home for one week.
One pure week of delightfully gaining weight and full relaxation,
as well as spending 24/7 with my family members glued in front of the tv..
hahaha...
but its was a nice holidays,
where i didnt have to entertain people,
where i can be myself,
where i can eat good food without thinking about the price,
and able to have fun and laugh more with the people that i love..

and during this holidays,
i learnt a lot..
i learnt to ignore people,
i learnt to be thankful with what i have and make do with it,
i learnt to appreciate,
i learnt to let go people who dont deserves it..
i learnt not to take first steps these days,
and i learnt that, no matter how much i wanted something, i should never show that i am desperate for it,
i learnt to keep my values high and always expect the best for myself.

You can say that i should not do like that,
But you're not in my place,
I have had enough of being the one there,
it's time for someone else to do the job for me.
I learnt to only be there to those deserving,
other than that, be there for urself.

Jenny~

dissatisfied!

Dissatisfied!
Yeah, that's how i was feeling these days..
And I am not even a teacher yet..
Like seriously..

People should work like how they should do work,
Instead of saying they will do it, and eventually someone else clears up the mess for them,
and guess what,
yeah,
they get all the credits..
You do all the hard work,
the preparations, 
the crazy perfection that you hope you could achieve at the end of the month,
and eventually, that person got the same A with you,
by doing nothing.

How in the world could I be satisfied with this?
I tried to like do what i usually do,
just take it inside and yeah, let it be..
But sometimes, i wish,
like seriously wish,
they would feel how I felt and get treated the same way as well!

I guess this is just the beginning,
and i bet in the future, 
am gonna meet the same problems too.
and by then, what should i do?
do the same thing like now?
just close my eyes and be "satisfied"?

Jenny~

moments.

I seriously should consider opening another new blog when i graduate that will like totally talk about my career as well as the events happening in my life..
This blog is like always with my feelings and stuffs like that..
Anywayz, i love to blog about these stuffs,
so yeah, here we go again..

All this while when I was previously single,
I questioned the ultimate question.
Why people can't move on after breaking up?
And then when i was previously in a relationship,
I questioned another ultimate question again.
Why people wanna get into a relationship that has no future on it?
And then, now I am back to single,
I question the next ultimate question.
Why do people still get hurt after few months or years not being attached to that jerk?

And the ultimate answer was,
the moments.
the feelings.
the memories.
People say feelings never stayed permanently,
we felt differently everytime we wake up..
Sometimes, we feel happy,
sometimes, we feel down.
So, feelings never actually remained there.
What was permanent and can't be forgotten is,
those moments, feelings and memories.

Going to one place reminds u of that one time.
Eating that food reminds u of that one time when we.
And listening to people saying that particular stuffs reminds u of that thing we used to.
And because all this could bring permanent fluttering happy feelings or permanent pain.
And thus, why people still get into relationship with the wrong reason or people?
because they want that permanent good feelings,
same goes with me.
I wanted that,
but I dont want it for the wrong reasons or with the wrong people.
Because i dont want to be left and add on to my permanent pain.

So to those whose reading this and could relate to this,
think of it,
if it leaves u with a permanent good feelings, go for it.
but if its gonna leave u with another permanent pain, why still go ahead?

Jenny~

wow.

coincidence?
I never really trusted coincidences these days..
But yeah, seriously coincidence.
Coincidentally, I found an article,
and coincidentally, I realised that not only I am waiting for the right one,
but someone else is also as desperate and still awaiting theirs too...
Yeah, everyone is awaiting for theirs,
so what's so special?

I guess to be able to read it,
to be able to relate to it,
that made it special..
Thus, i guess I have to say it in here,
let's await for our special ones together..
Who might know what happen in the future?
Like what he says, best things come to those least expected..
so i want to be that one,
the least expectant one.
teehee..

Jenny~

5 years

Its been five years since I first entered this campus,
so much memories made in this place,
the good ones,
the fun ones,
the sad ones,
the unwanted ones,
and the ones not to be remembered.

When I looked back at all those years,
I found myself growing up..
Growing up into someone whose not so naive anymore,
someone who can see the world even clearly right now,
someone who dont trust people so easily,
someone different from how i used to be..

experiences taught me to be different.
memories taught me to be strong.
people taught me to always act.
feelings taught me to not give in to everything.
friends taught me to believe in myself only.
family taught me to always turn to them no matter what.
and these five years taught me that,
No one would be at my side except for me and myself.
Never trust anyone except myself.
Never put too much hopes and expectations on anyone.
And never do stuffs that would make me cry at the end of the day.

Jenny~

no one knows.

No one knows,
what that little girl feels.
No one knows,
what that little girl thinks.
No one know,
what that little girl wants.
No one knows,
what that little girl needs.

For them,
that little girl is someone who looks happy all the times,
that little girl is someone whose always care for someone else,
that little girl always gives her fullest attention, love and care to everyone who turned to her.
that little girl is someone who dont mind being lonely or being pushed aside by people she once loved and cared.

But for that little girl,
inside her lies a lingering sadness,
inside her, she felt that she should be cared for too.
she also needs attention, love and care from people who turned to her.
she is lonely when she is being pushed aside by people she once loved and cared.
she wants to say it all out.
she wants to tell everyone how she felt.
but at the end of the day,
is it worth it?

all she could do is to be quiet,
felt pity to herself,
vowing not to make the same mistakes,
but at the end, repeatedly hurt herself.
this little girl only need one thing.
to be treated the same like how she has treated everyone.
she is not a pillow, she is not a piece of cloth, she definitely does not deserve to be treated like one,
and all this is because,
she is only a human.

if and only if you could just be her for one day.
Jenny~

new and final.

so, just got back from one month long of holidays,
and yeah,
welcoming myself to the new and final semester..
time indeed passed really fast,
without knowing it,
i am now already in the final semester and will be out to work real soon..
all those dreams of being in the last semester, doing and completing thesis as well as convocation right now seems so near to me..
when i actually thought back about what i have went through here throughout the five years of studies,
i realised that,
there were so many memories built in here,
the good ones,
the bad ones,
the sweet ones that i wish to cherish for a long time,
as well as the bitter ones that i wish to forget and never remember it back..

but all those memories are the ones that build me to be the one i am right now..
the changes that occur to me,
the changes in the way i think and look at life,
the changes in the way i see a relationship,
all these are the results of the experience and observations that i have done throughout the years,
and all this,
i believe,
have created a better me.

it's already hectic within the first week,
and all i could say is,
to get on the business,
finish what i unfinished,
and when the time comes,
pack up,
look ahead,
and venture into another new chapter.
and until that time come,
i will remain strong to overcome whatever that comes in my way.

Jenny~

holiday 2nd week

ok, i think its the second week of the holidays,

or is it third week?

i'm lost in my holidays..

anywayz, holidays has taken a toll on me,

and i have gained weight!

like seriously...

omg~

ok, im making a big issue out of this..

actually, its not so much weight gain,

just that sometimes i felt like i look so big especially at those problematic areas..

sigh..

i seriously hope all those walks could help me to at least cut down a bit..

and during holidays,

i did a lot of thinking,

i thought about whether should i make a change,

whether the changes that i have planned for myself will bring benefits to me,

and whether i should or should not implement these changes.

these days, 

i felt like its time to start putting myself in the first place.

not that i am not gonna be good to everyone,

just that, its time to really look into a person before deciding on how i should act to them.

why?

because my feelings are much more important to be cared of instead of someone else's feelings.

because yeah, i can take care of others' feelings but whose gonna take care of mine at the end of da day?

Jenny~

stranger perhaps?

ok, i have started my long holidays by merely being at home.
like seriously.
friends have been venturing out to work,
and i dont really feel like hanging out,
just wanna get some relaxation and healing as well at home.
and due to the long hours at home, i started to look back on my facebook.
on the pictures, wall posts, my status previously,
and also on my notes in which i have written quite some interesting things.
and one of it was about something that i have retrieved during my blog-walking session two years ago.
reading it back makes me wonder,
why do strangers who enters my life always end up being a stranger back?
anywayz, the post is as below (forgive me if i have blogged about this, but my memory sucks big time these days.. teehee)

Have you ever met someone who can light up your whole day? Someone who suddenly appears out of nowhere but made you smile every time you see each other? Maybe you met that person in your town, at work, at the store or through a friend. But you find out that they’re not from here. They live far away, and in a few days they are going back home. The last day before leaving, you decide to meet up for a little while. But you missed one other, so you have to go back home with an empty heart and a question constantly ringing in your head. Will you ever meet again? You have not a name, a phone number or Facebook. What are the odds that you will ever meet again? Very very minimal..

reading back this post reminds me of the past,
reminds me of the people whom i have met that brought smiles to me,
reminds me of the little hopes that i built every Sunday,
not because i can't accept the fact,
but sometimes, able to be put some hopes on things that not even me know whether it would or would not happen,
somehow feels nice.
to keep on believing and hoping,
that one day,
that particular rainbow would appear in my clouds,
might be called silly by some of you,
but for me,
no one can understand if they were not in my shoes.

Jenny~